Coda Josh Grant

I spent Xmas day with my family, as all good boys do. Down at Fairhaven. A BBQ on the deck. We ate far too much, all the traditional fare. We drank far too much, well, I did. And then we all fell asleep in our chairs, like some sort of cliché of Xmas passed. It was grand. We had a real tree, thanks to Amanda. “Oh no, it just wouldn’t have been Xmas without a tree.” Amanda’s sister and her husband, Rosalyn and Michael. Amanda and Rick. And my boy cousins, Morrison, Mitchell and Marcus. We all have to bunk in together. If I get Mitchell, I don’t know what I might do? I caught him in a white towel at the sauna. He was all sweaty, only half wrapped in his towel, he’d clearly just had sex. It was awkward, let me tell you. We just gazed at each other, neither of us knowing what to say? We turned and kept walking without saying a word. Mitchell looked dam fine in a white towel, let me tell you. He clearly goes to gym. It is the first time I have seen him since, a month ago. It was a lonely ...

That's my little brother. He's incorrigible. No, really, don't encourage him, he will run amuck, if you let him. Cheeky Jasper. 

I started smoking again. I think perhaps I should go back to work. Oh yes, it is true, stupid me. I’m chucking it in for now, the freedom. I’m going back to work, I want a distraction, while I re think my life. Always, when I get complacent. When I get to the point, oh who cares. Bury myself in work. I always regret it immediately. But then it is too late, I’ve committed. Hacks will have me back. Give it another year. I always think, idiot, when I have gone back. I’ll never get that novel written. Oh, walking in the door, that first day, that ‘welcome back’ moment. Twelve months. Damn it! I am so stupid. I’m starting in the new year.

This is what happens when red heads spend too much time in the sun. You'd think he'd know better by now. I am still fascinated with his pubes. I always find the colour kind of shocking.

Chubby and I got stoned and watched old movies all weekend on the couch. The best of Bette Davis. Now Voyager. All About Eve. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Okay, Chubby didn't smoke as much pot as I did. Okay, he didn't have any, but that didn't stop him lushing out on the couch even more than I did. That's what Sundays are for, after all. Classic Sunday doings.

Lachlan at his computer. He wanted someone to take some photos of him, so, of course, I offered. Stylish, he said. Well, the is the style he wanted.

I spent the day stoned. No, really I did. I know you find that hard to believe. It was lovely too. Very lovely, to tell you the truth. The sun was shining, the sky was blue. I sat in the back garden and read. I can't remember any of it now, but who cares. So then, I got my lap-top and wrote a bit, the stories of life. I am your every dirty thought. I am what good people do behind closed doors. I, kind of, liked that as a theme. The sun was like warm honey, oozing over my skin. I melted into the day with ease, not a problem or a care in the world. I didn't wonder about what anybody else was doing, my world revolved on a gentle float, cushioning me against the places beyond my high, brick walls. Tracksuit pants and big t-shirt is my office dress code now. They say it means you have given up, if you wear a comfy home trackie. The birds tweeted. The phone rang, I ignored it. The door bell bringed, I ignored that too. Lovely! One of the guys from work called me the other day to see ...

Anoop came by early morning. He really just came around for a smoke. He couldn’t get the smile off his face. He was very happy with himself. Apparently, in the dying days of his first uni year, he has managed to grab himself up a boyfriend. He’s a nice Indian boy named Sanjay. He’s been in some of Anoop’s classes. In one of his last tutes, he was paired up with Sanjay and the rest, as they say, is history. “We got to know each other that way,” said Anoop. “And I found I was attracted to him.” We studied at his place,” said Anoop. “We studied late, and I ended up crashing on his bed. And he got into the bed and slept too. And sometime in the middle of the night, he told me he thought I was handsome.” “And in the dark in his room in the middle of the night, we began to explore each other.” “So, ultimately, do Indian boys really want to find another nice Indian boy? “No, not really,” said Anoop. He smiled broadly. “But I am glad I did.” It is the real reason for Anoop’s health kick, the r...

That's Jamie. He's lovely. He and I met on a drunken night out in Sydney when we both first came out. I think I may have been his first love. Maybe. I thought he was a great guy, but I didn't really feel anything more than that.

I ate breakfast. I took Chubby to the park. I went to the gym. Jesus, there were some sights in the changing room. Some of those boys come into the change room all hot and sweaty. Then they strip off, handsome face, nice eyes, cute smile, nice shoulders, nice legs, big cocks. That’s how it goes. Fresh water, warm showers, you get a smile, wet hair, drying off.

Anoop arrived early, just after 9am. Ah, it must be Monday, I think? I'm losing track of the days. I must find a new measure to measure my idleness against in days. He was smiling, you know, with that look in his eye. Expectant, confident, excited. I could see it straight off, he didn't even need to speak. Got to give it to the boy, he's keen, I thought. He has amazingly white teeth and beautiful brown eyes. Handsome, he's really handsome. Fresh faced, boy next door, if you like. I wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I don’t think he was expecting that, he melts just a little, I can tell. He kisses me back. He is a passionate kisser. I took him to my bedroom, my plaything. I lay him back on my bed and rubbed the buttons on his fly as he spread his legs, smiling. He was rock hard. I pulled those buttons apart and he looked hot laying there in his blue trunks. And pulled his pants down, He has beautiful coffee colour skin which is taut over his muscles. He is tight and ...

Jared and Lincoln, a couple friend of Josh's. Both lawyers, both go getters. They've been together for the long term.

Breakfast. Pot. Porn. Just how it is. Take Chubby for a walk. Guys are better at sucking cock, it’s just physiological, they have bigger and stronger mouths. "You're better than my girlfriend, dude!" How many straight drunk boys have uttered those words? It's physiological with anal too, because of the prostate. It can't help but feel good. Guys were just meant to have sex with other guys. They are good at it. The ones who object, are simply the ones who want to do it the most, you often find out.

Franko trying to keen up the place before his parents got back from holidays. He had lots of parties while his parents were away and the place got trashed. Now he's trying to clean up in the heat we've been having. He told me he was struggling, but his parents are due home in the next day, or so.

I ride down Exhibition Street to Birrarung Marr. I ride my bike around the Yarra. Then up off the Yarra and around the Boulevard. The sun shone. The bike path stretched out in front of me. I stopped to get a drink of water on the bike track, just by St K's. It is one of my regular, stops, at the drinking tap there. The long sweeping bend of the boulevard slips around to the left and then sweeps into Richmond. I want to say thanks to the guy who rode up dressed in just those small floppy red running shorts with the legs so open the whole world was his gynaecologist. His black jocks hugged his plump arse cheeks and his bulge as the wide leg of his shorts flapped open, making it look as though he was riding his bike just in his jocks. He must have known. Very nice.

I was awake early, 7am, tossing and turning in my bed – luxuriously, comfortably, but I couldn’t go back to sleep. The heat of the morning sun was against my bedroom wall, Get up, go to the supermarket, milk, muesli, apple and fruits of the forest juice, margarine, toilet paper, make a list. Drink the juice, smoke that pre-rolled joint, write this. I can never buy juice. Apple and fruits of the forest, or that orange juice. (Make piggy face now) Because I always drink it all up in the first day that I buy it. I never used to, one of my ex’s got me into the habit. Which one was it. I’m on my veranda before 9am, drinking juice and freshly brewed coffee and the pre-rolled joint from last night. The one I was too stoned to smoke, last night. Two joints and I'm magotted. The days I’m not writing, that is what I’m doing. But what else is there? Get back on the horse. What else do you do when you are on your own. I don’t think I like being single. Time spent on my own is great, I like bei...

Nick was really pleased about the great he got. The phone rings. “Dohl, I tell you fucken Xmas has arrived early.” “What are you talking about.” “I got an ounce for $260.” “How come?” “Oh, I don’t know? He probably had to bail out his baby mama bitch from Barwon. Who knows, and who cares. Come around to celebrate.” “Celebrate?” “Can you stop the endless fucken questions and get over here.” I have a shower, my first in 4 days, I know? The hot water was exhilarating running down my back. I think the trill is exactly proportionate to the number of days it has been. The GTI is covered in crap when I go out to it. Even under the carport. How long is it since I have driven it? I can't remember. I brush most of the debris off it with a towel. I hose it down right at the very end. Bad Josh! Water restrictions whatever. I saved water by not showering since Sunday, so I can hose some shit off my car as a reward. I smoke with Nick all afternoon. I’m rolling the joints. “Oh, why oh why do I ...

Nick has the week off. We planned a catch up on Monday. But he thought I was still down the beach. I thought he was coming over on Monday, but he didn’t, show. So, then it was today. I thought he was coming for lunch, but he arrived early. “Hi slut,” said Nick, as I opened the front door. “Luv.” I get gayer around Nick than at any other person in my life. “So, you are back from the beach?” “I was back on Sunday night.” “Well, I’m not a fucken mind reader, dohl.” “I’m sure I told you.” “You are sure you have done a lot of stuff,” said Nick. “Have you had the early dementia detection test lately?” “Have you cleaned out your ears, lately?” “Cotton buds should not be inserted into the ear cavity…” “Lots of things shouldn’t be inserted into cavities… “Hey, voila!” Nick pulled a bong from the bag he bought with him. “OMG! We’re teenagers again.” “I know,” said Nick. “Isn’t it fabulous.” “Where did you get it?” “Oh, sad story, I had to sack an employee who had it at work.” Nick made a sad fac...