Coda Josh Grant

We decided to have a Xmas Party at our place down the beach. Daniel was single and ready to mingle. I was not single, happily not, but still ready to mingle. I bought myself an early Xmas present, a white 1969 Rover 2000TC with wire wheels. I’d taken it for a test drive, and I’d bought it home to show Daniel, fully restored, engine rebuilt, everything, 4 grand. I’d always wanted one, ever since that friend of Rick’s had a red one when I was a kid. We went for a drive, Daniel loved it, he said I should. We were out in the street and I was making, if only I had some where to keep it comments, when who comes out her front gate next door, but Beth. “Whose is this beauty then?” asks Beth. “It’s Josh’s, he wants to buy it,” says Daniel. “So? Is he going to buy it?” “It’s $4 thousand…” “Oh?” Wanted to be shocked by the sheer extravagance of it. “Oh?” That doesn’t sound so bad. “Um?” She looks at the car again. “Er.” That sounds like a good deal. “So, is he going to buy it?” ...

I had a call from Jodie Maxwell last week, she wanted to catch up, so we arranged to have lunch today. We met on Lygon Street and ate Thai. Jodie bought her bulldog Pepe. Bruno and Pepe get on famously. We were walking down Lygon Street from opposite directions at the same time, Bruno and Pepe leading their respective ways, we got to our destination at exactly the same time. “How are you?” says Jodie. “I’m good, how are you?” I say. “Pepe, mate.” I pat him as Jodie pats Bruno. Pepe and Bruno bumped faces, as bulldogs do, then they both lay down super dog style facing each other. “I’m great,” says Jodie. Jodie bought a bottle of red wine, the waiter opens it for us. “Sit.” “Sit.” “How’s life?” asks Jodie. “How is that gorgeous boyfriend of yours?” “Life is good…” “Not in part to that gorgeous boyfriend of yours…” “Not in part,” I say. “Indeed.” Jodie smiles. “How’s your love life?” I ask. “Oh, you know,” says Jodie. “I need to lower my standards, if I want to be happier, apparently.” T...

I’m in the kitchen when Daniel comes steaming in with flared nostrils. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” “Wrong with me,” I ask incredulously. “What the fuck did you tell Amanda?” “What the fuck did you tell Amanda?” “Nothing,” says Daniel. “That I have a drug problem…” “Well, you do.” “I DO NOT!” I screamed at Daniel. “The only problem I have is you!” That actually pulled him up. “What?” I don’t lose my shit, never, and I just did. “If you say one more time that I have a problem with pot, so help me I will go you with a knife.” Daniel looked stunned. “Seriously, Magda Szubanski impersonations, now?” What can I say, it was unintentional, but, as it turned out, a moment of genius? “What is wrong with you?” That is what you call flipping it completely on its head. It was a complete fluke, truthfully. “Me?” Daniel was clearly undone at that moment. I’d pieced the steely armour and he was exposed. “There is something wrong? You can mask it all you like by telling Amanda that I have a drug...

I’m really happiest when I am stoned. Happier. Nicer. Calmer. Lovelier. Everything …er. I decided that I didn’t want to spend another minute in this world if I wasn’t stoned. (Not exactly, but kind of) Ha ha. My doorbell rings early, it is Amanda. “Darling, I have it all worked out.” “Finally,” I say. “Do tell?” “I’m willing to pay for you to go to drug rehab…” “What?” “To get you over your current problem?” “What problem,” I say. “I don’t have a problem.” Yes, I heard it too, quite unfortunate. If only I had said nothing. “Oh darling.” Amanda did her tinkly laugh, the one that says mother knows best and you have no idea. “I know it is a hard admission to make…” “Seriously? “Yes, darling.” “Who the hell have you been talking to…” “A mother knows, a mother know…” “Who?” I say. “Tell me!” “I told you a mother knows.” “Bullshit.” “Oh Josh, you have just sorted your private life and your professional life,” said Amanda. “Don’t mess it up now.” “What?” “Nick says he is really worried about ...

I went out for lunch with Nick. We sat in the Degrades Street and ate. We discussed work, which is always kind of hilarious, as I don’t understand Nick’s work and he doesn’t understand mine. “You know Ben is a Daniel substitute,” says Nick. “I’m sorry?” “You couldn’t have sex with your brother, so you got a look alike to fuck. And a straight boy to boot.” “Are you completely fucken nuts?” I say. “You tell me your brother fantasies,” says Nick. “And the embodiment of those fantasies is Ben.” “That is a fantasy, that is the point of fantasies,” I say. “They don’t become reality.” “Don’t they?” “Nick, you really need to put your dodgy HR psychology degree away when you leave work, it really does you no good.” “How dare you,” says Nick. “I’ll have you know I am very good at what I do.” “I have a boyfriend, and that is Ben. And that relationship is good,” I say. “You need to get a grip and deal with your own disappointments, and stop projecting them on to me.” “What?” “Hon, I mean it.” “I j...

Daniel has turned into prehistoric man, he is now communicating with grunts, when I see him that is. In the morning in the bathroom, maybe. In the evening, even less so.

Daniel is nowhere to be seen. I think he is in his bedroom watching TV every night. Something is wrong, but I don’t know what? And he’s certainly not talking about it.

Daniel asked me what I had been up to during the day. On my day off? Why do you want to know? I don’t think I mastered the straight face, got it together look, as I gazed back at him, trying to remember what the question was. He looked genuinely disappointed in my response. My family think I have a problem with dope. They are all starting to mention it. (All the ones who don’t smoke pot, really, why do you feel you even need to have an opinion, however) “Have you laid off it, even for a day,” asked Daniel. “I don’t smoke it when I go to work.” “But you smoke it when you get home.” “Not every night.” “Most nights,” said Daniel. “Okay, most nights,” I said. “So, what.” “It’s not good for you?” “Show me the research you are basing this on?” You know, seriously, I expect more from Daniel. Clearly, Amanda has gotten in his ear. “What?” asked Daniel. On the ropes I thought. “It was a very straight forward question,” I said. “Where is you peer based research on which you are basing your opini...

I got PrEP from Daniel for Ben and I, better safe than sorry, I thought. I know the HIV crisis is over now, pretty much, but it is better to take precautions. “What have you guys been up to?” said Daniel. “I guess I know. Unsafe sex? Seriously?” “You know the risk is far diminished now…” “Yeah, okay, sure,” said Daniel. “It’s no guaranteed though…” “Walking down the street isn’t guaranteed,” I said. “Yeah, but there are risks and there are risks?” “An undetected viral load means you can’t pass it on, right?” “Right.” “So, if we take PrEP it is like a double security, right.” “At its generous interpretation,” said Daniel. “But you guys are negative and what if the other guy isn’t on his meds?” “That’s why I want these?” “Well, it’s better than not taking them.” “It will only be a few guys,” I said. “We’re not going out and slutting about.” Ben and I decided to stay on PrEP for the time being, just in case there were any return bouts with Grant. And there is also the cute wog boy in Wool...

We head out of the venue, and straight into Nick Kennedy and his girlfriend Jackie Pie and Jacob Ryan and his girlfriend Ashleigh Hurley. “Good night,” says handsome Nick. If they ever wanted to recast Henry Cavill in Superman, Nick would be their guy. “Great night,” exclaims Grant Riddle. “Yes, a good night,” says Ben in his usual understated style. “You have a good night?” “The best,” says Jacob. Cute, blond Jacob. “Thank you so much for that legal advice,” says Jackie. “No problem,” I say. “I guess you’ll be invoicing her at $100 an hour,” says Nick. “Something like that.” I laugh and pat Nick on the back. “Great night,” says Grant. We all hug good night. Nick and Jacob are big guys when I wrap my arms around them. “You’re clearly having a good time,” says Jacob. “The best,” says Grant loudly. He half raises his arms in the air in a victory pose. The gravel crunches under our feet. I wonder what Grant is thinking right at this moment, because I can tell you I was feeling nervous. G...

I go and watch Ben play footy. I find it really hot, him in his shorts all sweaty and messed up. He turns me on like that. It was a big match, really exciting, the grand final, and they won. The roar was deafening when the siren went. All that testosterone. The fans were really pleased, it had been however long, I can’t remember, since they won their last grand final? So, there was lots of partying back at the club house. People. Alcohol. Speeches. Partners, all dressed up. Food. Music. It was really nice to watch Ben accepted by all of his team mates, nobody seemed to even question him and me anymore. I was by his side, no one reacted as if it was out of the ordinary. There was Dancing. Celebrating. Singing. Partying until the very late hours. His mates were all smiles, there was a lot of back slapping, and arse patting, and hugging and boys kissing, jubilantly. And a good time was had by all. All the boys were very excited and by the end they were all very drunk. One of the players ...

We headed down to the hospital in the early hours, 5am. The labour had been going since 11pm last night. apparently Amy was exhausted. There were certainly a lot of women in, shall we say, comfortable shoes. “How did she get so Lesbo in the short time you’ve been split up?” “I don’t know, I guess she found she liked it.” “You know she’s only licking snatch because you are sucking dick, she’s always been strangely competitive with you.” “Really, competitive with life style.” We hung out in the waiting room, oh really, I guess it was a lounge. One of the women, names Ellen, or Rosie, piped up at one stage. “Are you the sperm donor?” “Ah, er.” I don’t often see Ben lost for words. “He’s the father,” I interjected. “Biological?” Ellen asked. “Are, yes,” said Ben. I’m thinking he looked a little overwhelmed by this stage. “The father.” “You delivered your fatherhood,” Rosie mad parenthesis in mid air with her hands. “In a cup?” “Huh,” said Ben. “Oh, no.” “No?” questioned Ellen. “No,” said B...

We got a call late from Natalie. “Amy is going into labour, I’ll keep you posted.”  “Okay,” said Ben. “I’ll let you know when to come to the hospital,” said Natalie. “You do want to come to the hospital, don’t you?” “Yes,” said Ben. “I want to come down.” “Good,” said Natalie. We waited for the call, which didn’t come for 5 hours. Ben said he wasn’t concerned, but then he began to pace. He couldn’t settle. He was on his feet, seemingly, not really knowing what to do with himself. I watched him with a cross of concern and amusement. "Nothing's wrong, why do you keep asking." "Oh, I don't know, just checking." "Oh, well, un…" And his concentration just kind of faded away.

So, What Happened to Tim? I literally stopped calling him the day I hooked up with Ben. Tim went home for Xmas, I hooked up with Ben 27th 28th Dec. (6 months ago) I spent New Year and New Year’s Day with Ben. Tim came home in the new year and I didn’t return his calls. Just like that? He called a few times, but he gave up pretty easily, and we were done. Much later, I found out Nick may have had something to do with that. Nick and Tim bumped into each other out at a club, just after Tim got back from Xmas. Tim messaged me some time later with the words, It’s too hard to see you. Good bye.

I have gran charm, in fact, I have old woman charm. There are very few older women I can’t charm the socks off, is that the expressions grans use? Diedre isn’t one of them, you understand, but Grandma Clementine certainly was. Ben and I went to visit her. Ben left me with her when he headed down to the supermarket to get her garbage bags. I sat with gran on the cane furniture in the sun room with her. “Are you and Ben?” gran asked. “Are Ben and I what?” I asked. “I hear stories, don’t think my daughter thinks I should know what’s going on, even if I don’t want to hear what comes out of her mouth.” “Ben and I…” “You and Ben.” “Yes.” “What about the AIDS?” “We don’t have it, it is practically cured now, it is not something we have to worry about, not really.” And in that moment, I said those words and actually meant it. (Of course, that is not strictly true, but it is close enough to the truth) First time. It was a good feeling. “So, Ben doesn’t have the AIDS.” “No.” “A boy like that?” “...

So, there you have it, I reckon it is safe to say, I’ve got a boyfriend. And, I have been the dutiful boyfriend, not for any other reason but I haven’t wanted not to. It is easy when it is like that. We go to gym together, we run together, we occasionally chase boys together. Once, oh, twice, we’ve caught them. The cute Greek guy who was on a break from Woollies fruit and veg, with whom we flirted. All smiles and heavy breathing and promises of doing more at some stage. The cute Dutch guy who came to the door to change our globes to LED as a government initiative. That was a circle jerk in Ben’s lounge room. I told the Dutch boy he looked like he had a big cock. Ben told him he should show us. He replied only if we showed him ours. We have well paid jobs. We are the hip, gay couple, I guess. We live in the inner suburbs. We have cute dogs. We work at the same law firm “You know Ben’s wife worked here,” said Ben’s secretary Jesse Du Fray, to me on my first day. “His girlfriend.” “Everyo...

Working together turned out to be great. Of course, we work in different practise groups in the firm and in reality, we don’t, actually, see each other during the day. Except that time, we met up in the toilets on his floor and pulled each other off standing face to face in our suits, holding the backs of each other’s heads, covering one another’s mouths with our own mouth, as we came, so we didn’t call out. Ben panicked when he discovered a trail of cum down his blue trouser suit leg. Then he was at the sink scrubbing it with wet hand towel as I sat against the sink telling him that it would never come out. “Don’t joke,” he said. “I have a meeting…” The toilet door opened and one of the young grads, Michael Murphy, walked in. “Boys.” Ben straightened up instantly and pretended to be washing his hands. “Michael,” we both said. Michael walked through into the next chamber. (Do you like that, the multi chambered pissoir) Ben went straight back to scrubbing his trousers with wet paper tow...

I’d always got a bad feeling from Diedre, Ben’s mum. It wasn’t anything specifically, just a feeling I got from her, but she always said she was fine with her boy being a shirt lifter, or more to the point, she didn’t say she did have a problem with it. I’ve always loved that expression, shirt lifter, it’s quite descriptive, don’t you think? I’ve ‘lifted’ Ben’s shirt many a times, as he has ‘lifted’ mine. We like what we see when we lift each other’s shirt tail. And what is under Ben’s shirt tail is one of the best you’ve ever seen. Lick it, run your fingers up through it, slide a digit into it and listen to how his breathing changes when you play with it. Wait for him to ask me to do to him what I know he wants me to do to him. His gay epiphany came when he was getting done to him what a boy can do and a girl cannot. I’m sure Diedre can’t stand to think about that. And they always seem to think about that, the homophobic, the morally outraged, the mothers just being told about their s...

Saturday night we were out at a party. It was one of Ben’s friends from his straight life. A party full of a bunch of straight boys, you’d think I’d be excited. They were a nice bunch, as it turned out. They made a few jokes about Ben’s new orientation. Something about him being lucky as guys always wanted sex, so he’d be getting a lot. You know, guys are uncomplicated. “You wanna fuck?” “Yep.” The boys all laughed. It must make a great change from dealing with girls and the games they play, another one said. “Pizza, beer and you get your cock sucked without asking,” joked Jeff. “It must be a revelation?” asked Biff. “Sure,” said Ben. All his buddies gave him a big group hug to show him they still loved him. I’m not sure they would have put it that way, but that is what they were saying. I thought it was sweet. The girlfriends didn’t seem to have much of an opinion about it, well, not collectively. However, most of them told Ben that they loved Ben and they still loved Ben no matter wh...

Amy found out she was pregnant. “I thought she was a lesbian?” I said. “Me too,” said Ben.  The thing is, she’d had sex with three guys. She had unprotected sex with three guys while she knew she was off the pill. What is that, I asked? She goes off the pill, and she still has sex with guys?  It was really only two guys, she thought, as she didn’t fuck Ben at the time to make a baby. “That was just to say good bye,” she told Ben. It turned out to be a genuine Mama Mia moment, though. Apparently, it was deliberate. She and her girlfriend wanted a baby. Amy wanted a baby. She told Ben it was her last hurrah of her heterosexuality. Apparently, it was just for old time sake with Ben, the day before they split up. She’d gone off the pill, but she didn’t think she could get pregnant that quickly. It was only two guys that were deliberate, in her mind. It was her personal trainer, Shane. And it was her next door neighbour after an afternoon of sunbaking. The two guys had to be tested...