Ben’s Mum Comes Clean
I’d always got a bad feeling from Diedre, Ben’s mum. It wasn’t anything specifically, just a feeling I got from her, but she always said she was fine with her boy being a shirt lifter, or more to the point, she didn’t say she did have a problem with it. I’ve always loved that expression, shirt lifter, it’s quite descriptive, don’t you think? I’ve ‘lifted’ Ben’s shirt many a times, as he has ‘lifted’ mine. We like what we see when we lift each other’s shirt tail. And what is under Ben’s shirt tail is one of the best you’ve ever seen. Lick it, run your fingers up through it, slide a digit into it and listen to how his breathing changes when you play with it. Wait for him to ask me to do to him what I know he wants me to do to him. His gay epiphany came when he was getting done to him what a boy can do and a girl cannot.
I’m sure Diedre can’t stand to think about that.
And they always seem to think about that, the homophobic, the morally outraged, the mothers just being told about their sons, they always do, which I always think is kind of odd because I never ever think about what they do down there. I never think about what Jackson does to Diedre. I feel ill, Erp! No, never, my eyes hurt at the thought. Queasy, Erp! I’m sure I lose brain cells if I even try as my brain instantly starts to shut down in self preservation. Hand over my mouth, Erp! But I digress…
I was at Ben’s Saturday morning. I was in a pair of Ben’s boxer shorts and an oversized windcheater, also Ben’s. I like getting into Ben’s pants, as you will be aware by now. Ben had on track pants with no jocks and a t-shirt.
The doorbell sounded.
It was Diedre, unexpected. She was on her way to the markets and she dropped into see if her boy wanted anything. She came in ahead of Ben. He mustn’t have told her that I was there and she clearly wasn’t expecting me to be there.
The look on her face as she looked up from whatever it was in her hand she was explaining to Ben was interesting. She looked up and just momentarily I swear I saw what she really thought of me with the grimace that was clearly on her face, like she’d suddenly seen something she really found distasteful. It was right there on her face, there was no denying it.
“Diedre,” I said. I was standing at the fridge drinking juice.
“Josh,” she said. “You’re here early.”
“Or still here quite late,” I said. Oh, I know, somebody stop me.
“Oh.” Then I saw her eyes drop, and I thought she was disapproving of my attire, with the pinched off expression that followed. “Don’t you have a home to go to,” she said in her usual clipped, as if she was having a joke, but you could never really be sure, tone.
I had been reading the news online on the kitchen bench, so I just went back to it, and I know she hates that, she thinks it is the height of bad manners.
I could see Ben’s wide eyes looking at me over his mother’s shoulder.
Then I just replied, filter disengaged. “Don’t you call before you just drop in?”
Something shifted, in her, seemingly my last comment was the stick that poked the wasp’s nest.
“Are you saying that I have to call before I come to see my own son.” She was emphasising the s’s and the t’s with gusto. “Is that what you are saying?”
“Well, you never know what you might see here some mornings, hey tiger,” I said to Ben over her shoulder. I gave him a wink. I couldn’t help myself.
“I’m sure you think you are very funny,” she said.
“No, just honest, with what goes on here some mornings,” I said. “Over this very table.” I patted the table with my hand, as I looked at Ben. I was operating on instinct.
I have never seen Ben’s eyes so wide, behind his mother’s head.
“Is there no depth, to which you won’t stoop…”
“We’re both grown men with a healthy appetite for each other…”
“Will you JUST STOP!” Deidre shrieked.
“Mum,” said Ben.
“I’m just being honest,” I said.
“Josh!” exclaimed Ben.
“Not everyone wants to hear the truth about your dirty little secrets…”
“It’s not a secret,” I said.
“Josh!” Ben said again.
“And don’t we all know it,” spat Diedre.
“Look, I am sorry if this all didn’t turn out how you wanted,” I said.
“How I wanted?”
“Yes,” I said.
“I don’t think I will ever understand it. How could Ben be straight and then be gay? It was you…”
Rod Stewarts singing about Georgie came into my head. How can my son not be straight, after all the things I’ve done for him…
“You’re big, strapping son. Every mother’s dream son. How could he be a queer…”
“Josh!” Ben yelled at me.
Okay, I was getting out of control, even I heard that.
“But you had a girlfriend, a lovely girlfriend…” Diedre sobbed.
“She’s a lesbian,” Ben said.
“What?”
“She is now exploring her lesbian side with a girl named Natalie.”
She still didn’t know about the baby. She still didn’t know she was going to be a grandma. The words came up into my mouth and kind of danced around on my tongue momentarily.
“What is the world coming to,” Diedre said. “I read about… what is it…. gender fluid, but I never thought it would happen to me.”
“That’s not… this is not gender fluid,” said Ben.
“Nobody wants the pronoun they were born with, it is a mental disease.”
“This is not about pronouns…”
“Then what is it?”
“We’re still the same sex we always were, nothing has changed there,” said Ben. “We don’t want to change who we are.”
“Once you used to worry if your child had multiple partners.”
“Mum, I was probably always gay.” That was pretty much the first time I had heard Ben say that out loud.
“Didn’t you have sex with Amy?”
“Well, yes I did. I did have sex with Amy. Good sex.” He shouldn’t have said that, I thought.
“You see, sex with a girl is good.” I knew he shouldn’t have said that.
“This is not about sex with girls, mum.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
Did I even really want a boyfriend who was still coming out to the world, was the question on my mind, as I watched Diedre and Ben go at it. It was like coming out all over again. Still, it was probably good for them, I thought, it had been a long time coming.
Diedre suddenly picked up her bag. “Josh.” She started walking toward the front door.
“Diedre,” I said.
Ben followed. “I don’t really go in for labels, they don’t mean anything.”
I picked up my phone and chose the Killing of Georgie Part 1 & 2 and hit play.
Apparently, the boxer shorts I was wearing, I found out later, were Xmas present to Ben from Diedre, so I was literally in her son’s pants before her very eyes. That made me chuckle.
I’m sure Diedre can’t stand to think about that.
And they always seem to think about that, the homophobic, the morally outraged, the mothers just being told about their sons, they always do, which I always think is kind of odd because I never ever think about what they do down there. I never think about what Jackson does to Diedre. I feel ill, Erp! No, never, my eyes hurt at the thought. Queasy, Erp! I’m sure I lose brain cells if I even try as my brain instantly starts to shut down in self preservation. Hand over my mouth, Erp! But I digress…
I was at Ben’s Saturday morning. I was in a pair of Ben’s boxer shorts and an oversized windcheater, also Ben’s. I like getting into Ben’s pants, as you will be aware by now. Ben had on track pants with no jocks and a t-shirt.
The doorbell sounded.
It was Diedre, unexpected. She was on her way to the markets and she dropped into see if her boy wanted anything. She came in ahead of Ben. He mustn’t have told her that I was there and she clearly wasn’t expecting me to be there.
The look on her face as she looked up from whatever it was in her hand she was explaining to Ben was interesting. She looked up and just momentarily I swear I saw what she really thought of me with the grimace that was clearly on her face, like she’d suddenly seen something she really found distasteful. It was right there on her face, there was no denying it.
“Diedre,” I said. I was standing at the fridge drinking juice.
“Josh,” she said. “You’re here early.”
“Or still here quite late,” I said. Oh, I know, somebody stop me.
“Oh.” Then I saw her eyes drop, and I thought she was disapproving of my attire, with the pinched off expression that followed. “Don’t you have a home to go to,” she said in her usual clipped, as if she was having a joke, but you could never really be sure, tone.
I had been reading the news online on the kitchen bench, so I just went back to it, and I know she hates that, she thinks it is the height of bad manners.
I could see Ben’s wide eyes looking at me over his mother’s shoulder.
Then I just replied, filter disengaged. “Don’t you call before you just drop in?”
Something shifted, in her, seemingly my last comment was the stick that poked the wasp’s nest.
“Are you saying that I have to call before I come to see my own son.” She was emphasising the s’s and the t’s with gusto. “Is that what you are saying?”
“Well, you never know what you might see here some mornings, hey tiger,” I said to Ben over her shoulder. I gave him a wink. I couldn’t help myself.
“I’m sure you think you are very funny,” she said.
“No, just honest, with what goes on here some mornings,” I said. “Over this very table.” I patted the table with my hand, as I looked at Ben. I was operating on instinct.
I have never seen Ben’s eyes so wide, behind his mother’s head.
“Is there no depth, to which you won’t stoop…”
“We’re both grown men with a healthy appetite for each other…”
“Will you JUST STOP!” Deidre shrieked.
“Mum,” said Ben.
“I’m just being honest,” I said.
“Josh!” exclaimed Ben.
“Not everyone wants to hear the truth about your dirty little secrets…”
“It’s not a secret,” I said.
“Josh!” Ben said again.
“And don’t we all know it,” spat Diedre.
“Look, I am sorry if this all didn’t turn out how you wanted,” I said.
“How I wanted?”
“Yes,” I said.
“I don’t think I will ever understand it. How could Ben be straight and then be gay? It was you…”
Rod Stewarts singing about Georgie came into my head. How can my son not be straight, after all the things I’ve done for him…
“You’re big, strapping son. Every mother’s dream son. How could he be a queer…”
“Josh!” Ben yelled at me.
Okay, I was getting out of control, even I heard that.
“But you had a girlfriend, a lovely girlfriend…” Diedre sobbed.
“She’s a lesbian,” Ben said.
“What?”
“She is now exploring her lesbian side with a girl named Natalie.”
She still didn’t know about the baby. She still didn’t know she was going to be a grandma. The words came up into my mouth and kind of danced around on my tongue momentarily.
“What is the world coming to,” Diedre said. “I read about… what is it…. gender fluid, but I never thought it would happen to me.”
“That’s not… this is not gender fluid,” said Ben.
“Nobody wants the pronoun they were born with, it is a mental disease.”
“This is not about pronouns…”
“Then what is it?”
“We’re still the same sex we always were, nothing has changed there,” said Ben. “We don’t want to change who we are.”
“Once you used to worry if your child had multiple partners.”
“Mum, I was probably always gay.” That was pretty much the first time I had heard Ben say that out loud.
“Didn’t you have sex with Amy?”
“Well, yes I did. I did have sex with Amy. Good sex.” He shouldn’t have said that, I thought.
“You see, sex with a girl is good.” I knew he shouldn’t have said that.
“This is not about sex with girls, mum.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
Did I even really want a boyfriend who was still coming out to the world, was the question on my mind, as I watched Diedre and Ben go at it. It was like coming out all over again. Still, it was probably good for them, I thought, it had been a long time coming.
Diedre suddenly picked up her bag. “Josh.” She started walking toward the front door.
“Diedre,” I said.
Ben followed. “I don’t really go in for labels, they don’t mean anything.”
I picked up my phone and chose the Killing of Georgie Part 1 & 2 and hit play.
Apparently, the boxer shorts I was wearing, I found out later, were Xmas present to Ben from Diedre, so I was literally in her son’s pants before her very eyes. That made me chuckle.
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