Amanda Comes Over
I open the front door and there is mum standing there. It is the first time I’d seen her since Xmas.
“Hello,” she said. Diminutive, small.
“Mum?” I knew Tim was getting out of the shower in minute.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
Admittedly, I did stop to think about the state of play thus far. She didn’t call to say she was coming over. She always calls before she comes over. I’d just blown a joint, it was just beginning to hit, and yes, I may have hesitated.
“You?”
“Don’t even try to be funny, Josh,” said Amanda. She pushed passed me and entered the house. “It is me who is angry with you, we both know that.”
My head had barely got around that, when naked Tim stepped into the hallway. And from where I was standing, Amanda copped the full show. Tim had had some of my joint, and he’s not even one for joints, so he was kinda slow. He raised his hand to eyes to shield them from the sun, now flooding in the front door, to see who it was. Then he slipped the towel in front of himself.
“Mrs Grant.”
Amanda raised her handbag over her eyes. “Oh, I am so sorry, Tim love, I should have called first.” She turned her back slightly to Tim, who was now hurriedly rearranging towels to save a shred of his dignity.
Amanda fled through to the kitchen.
Tim flashed me, at exactly the same time Beth came up the front path behind me.
“OH!” was the shriek behind me. I turned around to see Beth ricocheting away from the front door seemingly with eight pairs of hands trying to cover her eyes. “Oh, my goodness. Oh!”
“Beth!”
“I am so sorry. Lemons. I wanted lemons.” She had turned around. “I’ll come back.”
I turned back to see Tim quickly trying to rap himself up again, and it was clear Beth copped an eyeful too.
“Put it away,” I said. “Look at the affect you are having on the women folk.”
I headed into the kitchen.
“Your begonia, really is beautiful.”
“Is that what they are calling it now a days,” I said.
“Oh Josh, you knew what I mean.”
“Tea?” I said.
“Yes, darling.”
I rummage with the cups and teabags.
I stood opposite Amanda in the kitchen.
“Well, I see Tim is here.”
I burst out laughing.
“Oh, Josh, be sensible,” said Amanda. “I’m supposed to be being stern with you.”
“Oh, really.” The kettle boiled. “Stern with me?”
“Well, Josh, I can’t say that I am happy with your behaviour.”
“Is that why I haven’t seen you?”
Amanda squirmed. “Well, yes, yes it is.”
“So, what changed.”
“Oh, you know perfectly well Josh, I could die before I hear from you or Daniel.”
“What does dad say?”
“I’m not falling for that subject change, Josh.”
“So, just my behaviour then?”
“You’re my only son, in this.”
I poured the water into the cups.
“You weren’t ever supposed to find out.”
I stirred the cups around with a spoon. I get the bags without the strings, they are stronger.
“We are passed that point. My baby son, and my baby brother.”
“What about the gay males of the Grant family?”
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be?”
“Mum, I don’t know. Jeff and I have always been more like brothers…
“That hardly makes me feel better.”
“Gay brothers, who weren’t bought up close enough for it to be awful. I don’t know why, but Jeff and I have always had a thing.”
“Always?” questioned Amanda. “What do you mean always. How long has this been going on?”
Oh shit! I didn’t want to answer any of those questions. “Um, what?”
“How long have you been… um… sleeping with Jeff?” Amanda mock laughed in the spirit of finally calling a spade a spade. “Sex with Jeff.”
“Always is just a figure of speech, mum. It is just meant to convey the depth of our feelings for each other,” I said. “I don’t know. Jeff and I are just suited in so many ways.”
“Funny, people always said you were like Jeff.”
“We are very alike,” I said. “It is not like we can get pregnant.”
“Joshua, you haven’t answered my question.”
Amanda was a crack debater, if you think you are going to get any funny business passed her, you have another thing coming.
“Just started.” There I bare faced lied to my mother.
“When, exactly?”
“You are getting awfully personal, Amanda, aren’t you?”
Amanda made big eyes. Then she deflated right before my eyes. “Oh, I guess you are right. Any shortbread in the cupboards, dear?”
“You guess, you know I am right?” I got up to the cupboard. “And yes, I have shortbread.”
“You are both adults, you can’t exactly make each other physically sick…”
“I’m sorry?”
“You can’t do each other any harm, in fact, it is probably just exercise in the end, now isn’t it?” I could see Amanda actually picture it. She grimaced.
“So, I am not the devil?”
“Oh, you are the devil alright, my boy,” said Amanda. “Just when I thought you two couldn’t shock me any further.”
I must synchronise stories with Jeff, before Amanda drops over to see him and to tell him he is forgiven’ish.
“I’ll never be able to look at you two the same way again.”
“What way did you used to look at us?” I put a packet of biscuits down in front of her.
“Venetian Cookies, they are not homemade.”
“I can take them away…”
“No, no,” said Amanda. She pulled a biscuit from the packet and dunked it into her tea. “You can’t tell grandma.”
“Hey Lily, I’m boofing your… now what is he to her?”
“Really Josh, you are way passed impossible,” said Amanda. “It is what he is to you that is in question.”
“Oh, he’s her son.”
“Joshua stop it now.”
“Her baby son…”
“Joshua!”
“Your big strapping son, change of life baby wasn’t he, good luck for me, though, nan.”
“Joshua!” Amanda shrieked. She had her hands over her ears. “You are beyond terrible. I don’t know where I went wrong with you.”
“You don’t think grandma would dig it.”
“She would think you are sick, Joshua, sick, let’s not be mistaken about that,” said Amanda.
“So, is that what you really think?”
“What?” said Amanda defensively.
“Is that what you think I am, sick? Is that what you really think?” my voice was breaking into a hard voice.
Amanda looked at me. “Darling, in you and your brothers 30 something years, I have seen cocks, I have seen vaginas, I have seen pussies, and dicks galore. I have seen prostitutes of both sexes, I have seen more of the two of you I have not seen since I changed your nappies. I have seen a man receiving oral sex in my lounge room, that time I came home early, from the beach house, and he didn’t care one way or the other if I stood and watched. I have seen, often accidentally, the workings of your two lives, marijuana, ecstasy pills, MDA and MDMA, crystal meth, pipes, bongs, splifs, water pipes, potions, powders, and various bottles of liquid of unknown origin, until I was worried sick about both of you. I am always looking at the nightly news, just in case you have been busted, or whatever it is called.
“Oh, for goodness sake.”
“All the men you have slept with, all the women Daniel has slept with, neither of you have ever shielded me from anything, I have seen you having anal sex with one of your boyfriends in my lounge room. I have seen your brother screwing (she managed to roll the r in screwing) his girlfriend in… my… MY bed. If I was ever going to think you were sick, or how I bought up two sick young men, it would have been long before this point, let me tell you.”
“Well, I am glad to hear that,” I said. I gushed, it was true. I kissed her.
“You, like your brother, are my sons and I love you despite all of your bad behaviour.”
“We’re good kids.” I couldn’t stop myself.
“But let’s not be under any illusions,” said Amanda. “Grandma Lilly would not understand.”
“She’s lived…”
“Oh Josh, she must never find out about you and Jeff, promise me.”
“Promise.”
“No one of your Grandmas era would understand,” said Amanda. “I don’t understand.” She shook her head with wide eyes.
“Grandma Mabel?”
“Oh Josh, you leave me speechless sometimes.”
“Didn’t she commit bigamy by marrying grandpa in India?”
“Grandma Mabel would think you were,” Amanda mimicked Grandma Mabel perfectly, “Two really sick bastards.”
We both laughed.
“She’d say it just like that. Behind your backs. Those two sick bastards.”
“She would not.” Sweet grandma.
“Oh Jesus, Josh. How self focussed have you been all these years.”
“What?”
“How can you not know Grandma Mabel has a mouth like a gutter.”
“She does not.”
“She forgets now that I’m your mother, sometimes, she must.” Amanda laughed at the ridiculousness of it. “And she’s said it in front of me. She calls you a fairy.”
“What!” It was like a stab through the heart. Grandma Mabel was bad mouthing me.
“I’ve heard her refer to Daniel as the slut, and you as the fairy slut.”
“Oh MY GOD!” Suddenly, I knew the truth of trigger warnings. I think I spluttered my tea.
Amanda started to laugh. “Look at you, getting all huffy.”
“My grandma has used hate speech on me.”
Amanda laughed out loud at that. “OH… Joshua. Really? You are completely mad.”
“Has she referred to me as a fairy, or has she not.”
It was clear that she had, the amount Amanda was now back peddling. “Oh Josh, I’m sorry, I was being wicked.”
I laughed nervously.
“More tea?”
“Grandma Mabel?”
“You know she drinks like a fish.”
“Yes, I think those were my teenage years you ruined with that revelation.”
“Oh Joshua.”
“Happy eighteenth birthday, darls, and by the way your grandmother is a lush.
“I am sure that is not how it went, darling.”
“Do you want me to go and get your son with the eidetic memory.”
“No, darling.”
“Be careful, it may run in the family.”
“Look at your father,” said Amanda. “I have been telling you for years he has a drinking problem.”
“Didn’t someone already talk to him about it?”
“That was why he got the driver, to take him to work.”
“Is that what that was all about.”
“Your father is practically an alcoholic, Josh.”
“Mum, he is not. He is nowhere near,” I said. “Don’t forget he is a fully functioning university professor…”
“Was,” said Amanda.
“He is not an alcoholic.”
“Ostrich syndrome, all the Grant men have it.”
“You are impossible.”
Amanda laughed. “Oh Josh. Really, it is good to laugh. I must go.”
“Where are you off to?”
“Just home, do my chores. Put the car away. Put some washing on. Start tea.”
“What does dad do?”
“Oh, darling, really?” And Amanda was off up the front passage and out the front door. “Don’t think I am not furious with you, just because we have laughed.” The front door opened and closed and she was gone.
“Hello,” she said. Diminutive, small.
“Mum?” I knew Tim was getting out of the shower in minute.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
Admittedly, I did stop to think about the state of play thus far. She didn’t call to say she was coming over. She always calls before she comes over. I’d just blown a joint, it was just beginning to hit, and yes, I may have hesitated.
“You?”
“Don’t even try to be funny, Josh,” said Amanda. She pushed passed me and entered the house. “It is me who is angry with you, we both know that.”
My head had barely got around that, when naked Tim stepped into the hallway. And from where I was standing, Amanda copped the full show. Tim had had some of my joint, and he’s not even one for joints, so he was kinda slow. He raised his hand to eyes to shield them from the sun, now flooding in the front door, to see who it was. Then he slipped the towel in front of himself.
“Mrs Grant.”
Amanda raised her handbag over her eyes. “Oh, I am so sorry, Tim love, I should have called first.” She turned her back slightly to Tim, who was now hurriedly rearranging towels to save a shred of his dignity.
Amanda fled through to the kitchen.
Tim flashed me, at exactly the same time Beth came up the front path behind me.
“OH!” was the shriek behind me. I turned around to see Beth ricocheting away from the front door seemingly with eight pairs of hands trying to cover her eyes. “Oh, my goodness. Oh!”
“Beth!”
“I am so sorry. Lemons. I wanted lemons.” She had turned around. “I’ll come back.”
I turned back to see Tim quickly trying to rap himself up again, and it was clear Beth copped an eyeful too.
“Put it away,” I said. “Look at the affect you are having on the women folk.”
I headed into the kitchen.
“Your begonia, really is beautiful.”
“Is that what they are calling it now a days,” I said.
“Oh Josh, you knew what I mean.”
“Tea?” I said.
“Yes, darling.”
I rummage with the cups and teabags.
I stood opposite Amanda in the kitchen.
“Well, I see Tim is here.”
I burst out laughing.
“Oh, Josh, be sensible,” said Amanda. “I’m supposed to be being stern with you.”
“Oh, really.” The kettle boiled. “Stern with me?”
“Well, Josh, I can’t say that I am happy with your behaviour.”
“Is that why I haven’t seen you?”
Amanda squirmed. “Well, yes, yes it is.”
“So, what changed.”
“Oh, you know perfectly well Josh, I could die before I hear from you or Daniel.”
“What does dad say?”
“I’m not falling for that subject change, Josh.”
“So, just my behaviour then?”
“You’re my only son, in this.”
I poured the water into the cups.
“You weren’t ever supposed to find out.”
I stirred the cups around with a spoon. I get the bags without the strings, they are stronger.
“We are passed that point. My baby son, and my baby brother.”
“What about the gay males of the Grant family?”
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be?”
“Mum, I don’t know. Jeff and I have always been more like brothers…
“That hardly makes me feel better.”
“Gay brothers, who weren’t bought up close enough for it to be awful. I don’t know why, but Jeff and I have always had a thing.”
“Always?” questioned Amanda. “What do you mean always. How long has this been going on?”
Oh shit! I didn’t want to answer any of those questions. “Um, what?”
“How long have you been… um… sleeping with Jeff?” Amanda mock laughed in the spirit of finally calling a spade a spade. “Sex with Jeff.”
“Always is just a figure of speech, mum. It is just meant to convey the depth of our feelings for each other,” I said. “I don’t know. Jeff and I are just suited in so many ways.”
“Funny, people always said you were like Jeff.”
“We are very alike,” I said. “It is not like we can get pregnant.”
“Joshua, you haven’t answered my question.”
Amanda was a crack debater, if you think you are going to get any funny business passed her, you have another thing coming.
“Just started.” There I bare faced lied to my mother.
“When, exactly?”
“You are getting awfully personal, Amanda, aren’t you?”
Amanda made big eyes. Then she deflated right before my eyes. “Oh, I guess you are right. Any shortbread in the cupboards, dear?”
“You guess, you know I am right?” I got up to the cupboard. “And yes, I have shortbread.”
“You are both adults, you can’t exactly make each other physically sick…”
“I’m sorry?”
“You can’t do each other any harm, in fact, it is probably just exercise in the end, now isn’t it?” I could see Amanda actually picture it. She grimaced.
“So, I am not the devil?”
“Oh, you are the devil alright, my boy,” said Amanda. “Just when I thought you two couldn’t shock me any further.”
I must synchronise stories with Jeff, before Amanda drops over to see him and to tell him he is forgiven’ish.
“I’ll never be able to look at you two the same way again.”
“What way did you used to look at us?” I put a packet of biscuits down in front of her.
“Venetian Cookies, they are not homemade.”
“I can take them away…”
“No, no,” said Amanda. She pulled a biscuit from the packet and dunked it into her tea. “You can’t tell grandma.”
“Hey Lily, I’m boofing your… now what is he to her?”
“Really Josh, you are way passed impossible,” said Amanda. “It is what he is to you that is in question.”
“Oh, he’s her son.”
“Joshua stop it now.”
“Her baby son…”
“Joshua!”
“Your big strapping son, change of life baby wasn’t he, good luck for me, though, nan.”
“Joshua!” Amanda shrieked. She had her hands over her ears. “You are beyond terrible. I don’t know where I went wrong with you.”
“You don’t think grandma would dig it.”
“She would think you are sick, Joshua, sick, let’s not be mistaken about that,” said Amanda.
“So, is that what you really think?”
“What?” said Amanda defensively.
“Is that what you think I am, sick? Is that what you really think?” my voice was breaking into a hard voice.
Amanda looked at me. “Darling, in you and your brothers 30 something years, I have seen cocks, I have seen vaginas, I have seen pussies, and dicks galore. I have seen prostitutes of both sexes, I have seen more of the two of you I have not seen since I changed your nappies. I have seen a man receiving oral sex in my lounge room, that time I came home early, from the beach house, and he didn’t care one way or the other if I stood and watched. I have seen, often accidentally, the workings of your two lives, marijuana, ecstasy pills, MDA and MDMA, crystal meth, pipes, bongs, splifs, water pipes, potions, powders, and various bottles of liquid of unknown origin, until I was worried sick about both of you. I am always looking at the nightly news, just in case you have been busted, or whatever it is called.
“Oh, for goodness sake.”
“All the men you have slept with, all the women Daniel has slept with, neither of you have ever shielded me from anything, I have seen you having anal sex with one of your boyfriends in my lounge room. I have seen your brother screwing (she managed to roll the r in screwing) his girlfriend in… my… MY bed. If I was ever going to think you were sick, or how I bought up two sick young men, it would have been long before this point, let me tell you.”
“Well, I am glad to hear that,” I said. I gushed, it was true. I kissed her.
“You, like your brother, are my sons and I love you despite all of your bad behaviour.”
“We’re good kids.” I couldn’t stop myself.
“But let’s not be under any illusions,” said Amanda. “Grandma Lilly would not understand.”
“She’s lived…”
“Oh Josh, she must never find out about you and Jeff, promise me.”
“Promise.”
“No one of your Grandmas era would understand,” said Amanda. “I don’t understand.” She shook her head with wide eyes.
“Grandma Mabel?”
“Oh Josh, you leave me speechless sometimes.”
“Didn’t she commit bigamy by marrying grandpa in India?”
“Grandma Mabel would think you were,” Amanda mimicked Grandma Mabel perfectly, “Two really sick bastards.”
We both laughed.
“She’d say it just like that. Behind your backs. Those two sick bastards.”
“She would not.” Sweet grandma.
“Oh Jesus, Josh. How self focussed have you been all these years.”
“What?”
“How can you not know Grandma Mabel has a mouth like a gutter.”
“She does not.”
“She forgets now that I’m your mother, sometimes, she must.” Amanda laughed at the ridiculousness of it. “And she’s said it in front of me. She calls you a fairy.”
“What!” It was like a stab through the heart. Grandma Mabel was bad mouthing me.
“I’ve heard her refer to Daniel as the slut, and you as the fairy slut.”
“Oh MY GOD!” Suddenly, I knew the truth of trigger warnings. I think I spluttered my tea.
Amanda started to laugh. “Look at you, getting all huffy.”
“My grandma has used hate speech on me.”
Amanda laughed out loud at that. “OH… Joshua. Really? You are completely mad.”
“Has she referred to me as a fairy, or has she not.”
It was clear that she had, the amount Amanda was now back peddling. “Oh Josh, I’m sorry, I was being wicked.”
I laughed nervously.
“More tea?”
“Grandma Mabel?”
“You know she drinks like a fish.”
“Yes, I think those were my teenage years you ruined with that revelation.”
“Oh Joshua.”
“Happy eighteenth birthday, darls, and by the way your grandmother is a lush.
“I am sure that is not how it went, darling.”
“Do you want me to go and get your son with the eidetic memory.”
“No, darling.”
“Be careful, it may run in the family.”
“Look at your father,” said Amanda. “I have been telling you for years he has a drinking problem.”
“Didn’t someone already talk to him about it?”
“That was why he got the driver, to take him to work.”
“Is that what that was all about.”
“Your father is practically an alcoholic, Josh.”
“Mum, he is not. He is nowhere near,” I said. “Don’t forget he is a fully functioning university professor…”
“Was,” said Amanda.
“He is not an alcoholic.”
“Ostrich syndrome, all the Grant men have it.”
“You are impossible.”
Amanda laughed. “Oh Josh. Really, it is good to laugh. I must go.”
“Where are you off to?”
“Just home, do my chores. Put the car away. Put some washing on. Start tea.”
“What does dad do?”
“Oh, darling, really?” And Amanda was off up the front passage and out the front door. “Don’t think I am not furious with you, just because we have laughed.” The front door opened and closed and she was gone.
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