Coda Josh Grant

I went to the gym early, I was feeling restless, in need of getting my heart pumping. Run, jump, push myself, feel the slipperiness of sweat on my arms and legs. You know, feel my heart beat and my breath coming in and going out of me. Life. I went shopping last week with Nick for new gym gear. He saw me the week before in my old gear and shook his head the minute he saw me and said, "Do we need to go straight to Myer?" "What?" I looked down at my clothes. "Seriously, do you leave the house in that?" He talked me into shorts that are really too small. Oh, they're big enough, snug you might say. I'm used to wearing them baggier. "Go sashaying your arse around the gym in those and you'll soon have something to get over Steve." Singlet, shorts, socks, shoes, all dark blue. I think the dark colour suited my dark colouring. I must have looked good, I can never tell myself, just by looking in the mirror, “Er…um?” I hadn't been there lon...

Fuck it was hot, forty degrees. All I could manage was Japanese and then the ice cream shop in Lygon Street, with Ben. We got really stoned first, of course. Ben's eyes go the most adorable shade of red when he is ripped. He can't hide it, it just does that to him. And, I've been promising myself that I would give it up. Ah well, Ben bought it over, what could I say? We ate Thai. Ben came in snug blue shorts and a tight blue singlet, full show. Ben and I were walking home late, dusk had fallen and night time was inching in. There weren't too many people around, you've got to like the holidays and people being away. I'm not really sure why, but I had the urge to take Ben's hand, so I did. He kind of looked at me, but didn't pull his hand away. It felt good, his warm, big hand. "I can't... you know, not tonight... Amy will be home." I laughed. "I'm not expecting... you know. Just walking home." He smiled, kind of, confused, I gu...

I went bike riding with Nick. We are always competitive when we go out together, so it was a race around the Yarra at lightning speed. All Nick's, shall we say, girlie traits fade away when he is trying to be first over the finish line. He becomes a streamliner competitor. I had dinner with Daniel in Sydney Road. Vietnamese fusion. Daniel was late, he had been swimming. His blond hair was still wet, all brushed back in that "just showered" kind of way. I gotta admit, even though he is my brother, he looked like a big spunk as he walked through the door. Baggy jeans, felt blue shirt, blue eyes, blond hair. I realised that is how people always look at Daniel. He goes around his whole life with people sizing him up as soon as they meet him. That is his normal, white privileged good looking blond. I see how the waitresses look at him. I see how the gay boys look at him. I see how the middle aged university professors look at him.

I smoked pot and lay in the Carlton Gardens, under the elms, instead of taking Chubby for a walk. Well, half a walk. He came with me to the gardens. I think what a lazy bastard I'm becoming. Then I think real fast after that, everybody should be so lucky. I used to work 50 hours per week. I’m determined not to work that hard again. 7,5 per day, that is all I bill for. And I’m sticking to it. Of course, it means I have to work my arse off, amongst the vipers. Hack’s should be renamed The Viper Room. Zina Warrior princess every last one of them. The women rule at Hacks I spend a few hours in the book shop before I go home.

Matt left this note pinned to my front door when I got home.  Thinking of me, because I am thinking of you I'm dreaming of you kissing me. Whatever you dreams may be, I hope you dream a little dream  of me. He drew stars and a sun and a heart.  As I slid the key in the lock, I found myself smiling. All I could feel was happiness as I thought of him.

I had lunch with Nick sitting by the Yarra, down by the aquarium. I had to get out of the house. I talk about Steve, it just came out, Nick just smiles. Maybe he has heard enough about it. He’s bought food from home, all neatly packed in matching Tupperware, he can be anal with that stuff. He gets it from his mum, Vasiliki. I’ve got some curry I made from last night. The river looks full, the water glints in the sun, as it floats by. The sky is a beautiful blue. “How’s work?” asks Nick. “Oh, you know, the same,” I said. “Now it feels like I haven’t had any time off at all. “Doesn’t it feel weird?” “No, it feels alarmingly normal.” “And that’s a good thing, right?” “Depends on your definition of normal,” I said. “And my definition of normal had changed over the months I had off.”

They are his swim trunks. He swims in those. You can always tell who are the gay guys, or the chicks who've had one too many chardonnays when he heads to the waters edge.

I headed to the gym and worked out. It was, kind of, quiet, but the boy's were hot. I only glanced up a few times, too much to concentrate. Mostly, I remember little black shorts, hugging something sexy. But that's it, vague images. Gym's serious work, mate. I can't be hanging off machines with my singlet pulled down over one shoulder maki ng eyes, no, that's not the sort of gym work I prescribe to. It's one of the reasons I had to stop working out with Nick... he's incorrigible. I walked up Lygon Street and did my shopping. I bought baby oil just in case I see Matthew again. I gotta admit there was a guy at the gym who reminded me of him, who I kept making eye contact with, quite unintentionally. Then I spent the rest of the day trying to undo the work I'd done by eating everything in sight. Don't know why, I'm not normally like that, but I just craved every piece of shit known to man. A muffin, a Cherry Ripe, a kebab, flavoured milk and f...

I went out last night because I was horny as hell. I just wanted another body to rub up against. I put on my black jeans and a tight black t-shirt and headed to my local bar. I haven't been out on the prowl, so to speak, for a long time. I knew what I wanted, a new face, some story I haven’t heard, someone who was chilled out and comfortable in his own world. “Why not,” I said, as I shut my front door. It can’t be too much to ask. The bar was busy, which was good. Nobody wants a dead bar. I was meeting Nick there. I got a beer and stood by the pool tables. They were all being played. I could have faced a game while I was waiting, looking around, it's a good way to pass the time. My eyes connected with another set of eyes connecting with mine. I smiled, and he looked away. Nick was late. “There were taxis lined up but none of them were taking,” said Nick when he finally showed up, beer in hand. “Taxi’s not taking passengers?” I queried. “No.” He shrugged. “Who’d have thought?” “...

Nick loves sun baking in the nude. Not only does he like an all year round tan. He likes an all over tan. "If you have tan lines, you are just not trying hard enough," says Nick. "I thought the contrast of the tan lines was sexy," I say. "Not as sexy as my brown arse," says Nick.

The only trouble with the Queensland floods was there wasn't enough water. The job didn't get finished. I got howled down at work when I came out with that. Will Henry was there, one of the rare occasions we are together. Will said he was sorry to hear about Steve. “It’s always hard when you break up with some one.” “Can you imagine breaking your girlfriend?” “No, not really,” said Will. He smiled his perfect blond haired blue eyes. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

George looking at his laptop by the light of his screen. He hates it when I get my camera out, well, he says he does, but he doesn't really do anything to stop me.

It was late when Ben called. He said he wanted to come over, he'd hurt his shoulder playing squash and he wanted a joint, you know, for the pain. Really? I thought as I put the phone down. I rolled him a joint, as soon as he arrived and asked him if he wanted to watch the end of the dvd I was watching. "I don't know," he said. He rotated his shoulder. "I thought you were going to massage me?" I was? The first I'd heard about it? "Come here, then. Take your shirt off (there needs to be payback)." I pointed at the cushion at my feet. "Sit down." He pulled his t-shirt over his head. He looked nervous, standing there nearly undressed. His bare torso was as sexy as I remembered it to be. His black jeans looked good on him. His bare toes curled. "It's okay," I said. "I'll only touch your shoulders." I thought of the last time I'd seen him. He laughed nervously. Went to say something, but didn't. He shrugg...

I don't get this obsession we all have with hairless men. I mean, truthfully, I like them just the way they come, just the way their mothers made them. However they were born, them being their authentic selves. However... I do like them with hair. Hairy chests, hairy stomachs, hairy legs, hair in the small of their backs, hairy arses. Wherever? Kept trim. There's nothing like a good furry crack to run my fingers through. Hairy chests running down their torso to a hairy stomach is hot. Hairy stomachs running down under the elastic of their jocks and disappearing is really sexy. And a good set of hairy legs, makes me hard. Marco, the Senior Associate, who works in the office next to mine, is a case in point. Sometimes he comes in on Fridays in casual clothes, he looks like a muscle boy in his t-shirts and jeans. Black hair, facial growth, piercing green eyes. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. He smiles and says hello to me in the kitchen. Soldier on with Codral. I don’t have a cold,...

42nd Floor, over looking the bay, picture windows. It was like I’d lost a year. Sniffed over by HR. Kaye came in 5 minutes late. “What happened to your impeccable timing?” “So, are we really doing this?” said Marion. “We’re on now,” I said. “Let’s have a briefing.” “Can we do it over coffee? “In the food court, as you wish,” I said. “Is it going to be like last time?” “I don’t have any idea what you are talking about,” I said. “It is going to be fun. Professional. After the briefing we get to work?” Kaye smiled that famous bemused/fuck-you-Josh-Grant smiles. “I wouldn’t expect it any other way.” By lunch time it was as though we’d never been apart.

I woke up at 10.30 and didn’t get out of bed until just before midday. I just drifted. It was nice and quiet, being there on my own. I rolled a joint and went to the supermarket and bought fresh food to eat. I came home and wanked.

Apparently, there are groups of gay men who pay straight guys to sell them their worn jocks for that pungent smell, around the arse, around the crotch, where they’d been sweating. I can't begin to tell you how excited this revelation made me. I've been a closet undies sniffer ever since I was a kid. I’ve never done it, oh, other than a couple of opportunistic occasions. But other than those, never. Nice and worn. A couple of days if possible. It put it into my head, you know. So, as I was doing stuff around the house this morning, I walked passed our spare room, my brother Daniel's friend, Gavin Christmas, has been staying, only to spy some discarded clothes on the floor. There they were lying by his bed were the jeans and jocks he'd worn yesterday. They were still hugging his perfect arse, despite them lying on the floor without him in them. Striped, trunks. I stood by the door and felt naughty, dirty thoughts washed through my brain. Well, what's a boy to ...

The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day. I went riding like a mad thing, to forget about you know who. I'm a little surprised about being so down about it. What am I saying? I loved him. The idea of him. He's sweet and sexy as hell and normal and able to stand on his own two feet. Did I tell him I loved him enough? I rode around the Yarra on the bike tracks until I felt exhausted, but calm, centred and loose. I lay on the couch with Chubby.

Nick on a bender is something to see. He came stumbling into my place sometime after midnight, I'm not really sure as I was dozing on the couch, feeling kind of sad about Steve. My quiet joy at the prospect of him returning to Melbourne had evaporated. "Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring! Ring, ring!" I opened the door and standing there was someone, or something that resembled Nick. "Happy NEW YEAR!" Big eyes. "Happy New Year mate." He'd been going since New Year's Eve. Good meth, he said. "I've been dancing, I've been fucking, I've been dancing, I've been fucking. I've been fucking dancing." "It's 10am, Nick!" "Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh, isn't it great." "Don't you have to go back to work?" "No, not anytime soon. Got a joint?" "Where have you been?" "I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere..." ...

I hear from Steve for the first time since he went to Sydney, saying he wanted a break. Yep, the first time. He was stoned in Sydney, and he said he felt guilty having not made contact before this. He's taken the job in Sydney... for twelve months, he said, “100k pay rise, what can you say to that?...” he said. Heading up the department... blah, blah, blah. Quietly, I think he wants to live in Sydney, you know, for a time. He always said he wanted to. Say you've done it and all that. Yeah, well, good for you. Not that I would have gone, but he didn't say come with me. He’s very ambitious, he has always wanted to make it to the top. “You know, when I’ll be in a position to give orders, and not to take them.” He's been down for Xmas and packed up his house and sent all of his stuff north on a truck. He wanted to come and visit, but he didn’t. “It’s probably best that way.” He's rented out his house. He's negotiating on a house in Sydney. Hey? Really? That's pr...

The city was alive New Year's Eve, with lots of hot boys all heading somewhere. Chatty, sexy, full of bravado. Sexy wog boys in tight jeans. The tram was seemingly full of them, with their girlfriends and in packs. Everybody was happy, laughing, smiling, eager for some fun. You could feel it, there was a definite vibe. The girls were hot, they looked the part, hanging onto their men. Daniel and I caught a tram to Victoria Harbour, and we didn't have to pay, New Yeart’s Eve, everybody was free to travel. We headed down La Trobe Street to a boat belonging to a friend of Daniel's. Some surgeon. The boat was a big cruiser. Moored amongst all the other big cruisers. They formed a boat deck all the way up one side of Victor Harbour. The people who live on the sea. The food was laid out, as was the booze. “Hello.” “Oh hello. “Come in.” “Pleased to meet you.” “Make yourself at home” “Eat drink.” There were security guards who only allowed the guests into the mariner. The fireworks ...