I Think She Wanted Legal Advice
My mum called early, I was still nursing a morning hard on. Nothing like the sound of your mother’s voice on the other end of the phone to deflate your manhood.
“Darling, darling, I’ve only just got a minute, are you awake?”
“Yep.” I wasn’t.
“You don’t sound very awake?”
“I am.” What day is it?
“Could you try to be a little more convincing?”
“Ah... no.” Why did I pick up the bloody phone? “But...” I wasn’t at all sure if I was actually going to get the sentence finished. “I am awake.”
“Are you sure?”
“Muuuuummm.” I could hear 5 year old Josh speaking through me, it was a little disconcerting.
“Well, it seems because Malcolm and Tabitha were killed together, their wills, apparently, get some what messy.”
“Really? How.”
“Well, it now all depends on who died first?”
“First?” Didn’t they go splat together?
“By all accounts, Tabitha was still alive and somewhat coherent, whatever that means, darling, heaven knows, it doesn’t bare thinking about... um... er... when the rescuers got there.”
“And?” The post mortem, I guess I was foolish to think that I would escape that, especially when I am tied to it so personally.
“Well, it becomes crucial when the wills are read.”
The wills are read? What? What do I care about Malcolm’s will?
“I thought you’d be able to tell me... darling? Are you still there?”
“Yep.”
“Darling?”
Oh! Wake up buddy. “What? Are you saying they had reciprocal wills?”
“Yes, of course, darling, they have been together for years.”
“Tabitha and Malcolm have been together for years?”
“Yes, of course.”
"Really?"
"Yes."
"How long?"
"Darling, can you stay on the topic, please."
“So," big breath, "depending who, actually, died first, is how the dough is doled out.”
“Yes.”
“And you are saying, from all accounts, Malcolm died first?”
“It looks as though he died instantly.”
“And Tabitha took some time?”
“Yes.”
"Well, of course she would..."
"Darling!"
"Oh... too soon?"
"Um... yes."
“So, what money does Malcolm have?”
“Oh, darling?”
“It’s a straight forward question.”
“Well, he was a businessman and he was wealthy in his own right.”
I laughed. “Really!”
“So, that’s true?”
“What?”
“About the wills?”
“Yes, time of death is crucial.”
“Oh.”
“That doesn’t sound very excited.”
“Well, Josh. I… I… I guess that would mean you wouldn’t be going back to work any time soon?”
“Yep, that’s what it would mean.” Now that you have pushed me for an answer. Truthfully, the only thing I was thinking about was my first joint.
“Oh dear.”
“Oh… dear.” It was early, a man is not a camel, he needs his sustenance, if he was going to have to ponder complex legal matters before he has even had a coffee, let a long some of god’s herb, what else were you expecting out of me?
“Anyway, gotta fly, I’m meeting Angie for hair appointments at Renaldo’s then we’re off to lunch with the girls. Gotta dash, sweet heart.” Dial tone.
She’s worried about me not going back to work, what today? While she spends her day getting her hair done and playing ladies at lunch. I mean to say. She is just too much some times. I’m guessing she would say it’s not a good life for a man, that he needs to go to work so he can make his mark and feel like a man, or something right out of the Liberal Party hand book. I despair. Where did we go wrong with that woman? The only member of the family not to vote Labor, she is the black sheep really, if you look at it.
“Darling, darling, I’ve only just got a minute, are you awake?”
“Yep.” I wasn’t.
“You don’t sound very awake?”
“I am.” What day is it?
“Could you try to be a little more convincing?”
“Ah... no.” Why did I pick up the bloody phone? “But...” I wasn’t at all sure if I was actually going to get the sentence finished. “I am awake.”
“Are you sure?”
“Muuuuummm.” I could hear 5 year old Josh speaking through me, it was a little disconcerting.
“Well, it seems because Malcolm and Tabitha were killed together, their wills, apparently, get some what messy.”
“Really? How.”
“Well, it now all depends on who died first?”
“First?” Didn’t they go splat together?
“By all accounts, Tabitha was still alive and somewhat coherent, whatever that means, darling, heaven knows, it doesn’t bare thinking about... um... er... when the rescuers got there.”
“And?” The post mortem, I guess I was foolish to think that I would escape that, especially when I am tied to it so personally.
“Well, it becomes crucial when the wills are read.”
The wills are read? What? What do I care about Malcolm’s will?
“I thought you’d be able to tell me... darling? Are you still there?”
“Yep.”
“Darling?”
Oh! Wake up buddy. “What? Are you saying they had reciprocal wills?”
“Yes, of course, darling, they have been together for years.”
“Tabitha and Malcolm have been together for years?”
“Yes, of course.”
"Really?"
"Yes."
"How long?"
"Darling, can you stay on the topic, please."
“So," big breath, "depending who, actually, died first, is how the dough is doled out.”
“Yes.”
“And you are saying, from all accounts, Malcolm died first?”
“It looks as though he died instantly.”
“And Tabitha took some time?”
“Yes.”
"Well, of course she would..."
"Darling!"
"Oh... too soon?"
"Um... yes."
“So, what money does Malcolm have?”
“Oh, darling?”
“It’s a straight forward question.”
“Well, he was a businessman and he was wealthy in his own right.”
I laughed. “Really!”
“So, that’s true?”
“What?”
“About the wills?”
“Yes, time of death is crucial.”
“Oh.”
“That doesn’t sound very excited.”
“Well, Josh. I… I… I guess that would mean you wouldn’t be going back to work any time soon?”
“Yep, that’s what it would mean.” Now that you have pushed me for an answer. Truthfully, the only thing I was thinking about was my first joint.
“Oh dear.”
“Oh… dear.” It was early, a man is not a camel, he needs his sustenance, if he was going to have to ponder complex legal matters before he has even had a coffee, let a long some of god’s herb, what else were you expecting out of me?
“Anyway, gotta fly, I’m meeting Angie for hair appointments at Renaldo’s then we’re off to lunch with the girls. Gotta dash, sweet heart.” Dial tone.
She’s worried about me not going back to work, what today? While she spends her day getting her hair done and playing ladies at lunch. I mean to say. She is just too much some times. I’m guessing she would say it’s not a good life for a man, that he needs to go to work so he can make his mark and feel like a man, or something right out of the Liberal Party hand book. I despair. Where did we go wrong with that woman? The only member of the family not to vote Labor, she is the black sheep really, if you look at it.
Comments
Post a Comment