Mum's Birthday
It was mum's birthday lunch in Malvern The whole family was there and a good time was had by all.
I stumbled in late, as per usual, all the usual comments were made. I was stoned, sure, but when I say stumbled, I don't mean visibly. I was just feeling like I was stumbling on the inside, the stumble I talk about wasn't visible to the naked eye.
Daniel coughed me, as I sat down and indicated that I should take my sun glasses off, oops. Nobody noticed. He rolled his eyes. He'd come from work.
Of course, mum asked me if I have got a job yet? It didn't take long.
"You know mum, it's one thing for the powers that be to legislate down to the bogun now a days, but please don't ask me to go out and work with them."
"Oh Josh."
"Their baby bonus' and their family payments and their tax breaks and their kids and their kids and their kids. And that unshakable belief that they are the back bone of the country, when it is just stupidity begetting stupidity, breeding more to waste an even greater amount of the world's resources."
"Josh, middle class Australia didn't do you any harm."
"Harm..."
"Ah Josh," said Daniel. I looked over at him. "Mum's birthday." He smiled his concerned smile.
I don't think she and dad get it, I know they don't. They don't understand for one minute why I may not want to work.
"It's good for you," mum said. "It gives you purpose, self esteem, ideas, value, not just money, you know."
Fortunately yesterday, she just stopped momentarily, as if digesting what I'd said and went onto the next question.
"So, what have you boys been up to?"
"Daniel met a nice young girl when he was out drinking last night," I said. "And she had a sleep over."
"Well Josh... I'm sure that was lovely for all concerned."
"Yeah, cheers, thanks a lot, mate," said Daniel.
"I'm glad you are getting out and about," said Dad to Daniel. "Good on you."
"I'm glad Daniel is moving forward and not pining for Claire," mum said to me.
"Nice deflection," said Daniel. "You know I'm impressed." He nodded his head and looked over at mum."Mum, don't listen to Josh, he's been taking drugs."
My stomach rolled over for a millisecond. What? Are yes, very funny, nice try.
"Not again," said mum, her gaze straight back to me. "I thought you'd tried that and decided you didn't like it?"
"Mandy?"said dad.
I was still looking at Daniel, he gazed my way and smirked his "got you" smirk.
"Mandy?" said dad.
"I thought we were well over that. What? Josh?"
"Mandy?" said dad.
"I see... that's how it's going to be," I said to Daniel.
"Mandy?" said dad.
"What Rick?" said mum.
"You're the one who lowered the bar, buddy,"said Daniel.
"You are falling for your two boys again."
"Why, just because I told them about the twelve years old you screwed last night."
"First year uni mum," said Daniel. "I was just helping her with her orientation."
"Nothing wrong with that," said dad.
"How old are the girls in first year uni," asked mum, concerned. "For heavens sake?"
"Mandy?" said dad.
"Oh Daniel, is this true? Josh, that is too serious an issue to joke about."
"Mandy?" said dad.
"How old are girls in first year uni, Rick."
"Old enough to know better to stay away from an ugly lug like Daniel. Can we order, please?"
"Oh yes," said mum. She turned over the hard backed menu and opened the cover. "I hear the seafood is especially good here."
"First year uni," said dad to Daniel, lecherously. "Ay?"
"Too young for you Daniel, for heavens sake," said mum. "What are you doing with twenty year old girls, Daniel?"
"Oh Mandy, what do you think he's doing with twenty year old girls?"
"Oh Rick."
"What were you doing when you were twenty mum," I asked. "Can you remember?"
"Not that," said mum. "And of course I can remember."
"Oh come on mum?" said Daniel.
"Yes mum, are you still sticking with him over there being your one and only?"
"I think I will have the Salmon steak," said mum, as she playfully smacked me around the ear.
"No chance of any bastard children being dumped on your doorstep," I said to mum. "She was too drunk to ever remember ugly, over there's, face."
"Apparently, she uses the same drug dealer as Josho."
"Will you two boys stop it now and decide on what you are going to have."
"Is dad paying?" I asked. I raised my hands in the air as he looked over at me. "I live the life of the unemployed, remember."
"When are you going to get a job, brother of mine?"
"I guess, it's still up to your father to pay for his family when they are out," said mum.
I had seafood risotto and I shared a bottle of red with mum. Daniel and dad both drank water, but possibly for different reasons. Dad had steak and Daniel also had the salmon.
"I will be expecting some grandsons from either of you in the near future though, I just thought I'd mention that."
That's a new one. "Don't expect any from me," I said.
"Oh no, I read it's very big amongst the gay crowd now a days, so you are not getting off the hook that easily," said mum. "You can get yourself a nice lesbian to be the mother."
"With the lifestyle he leads," said Daniel looking over at me.
"Although, I'll be expecting a girl whose blood type you know at the very least, Daniel.
"Nothing planned, I can assure you, mum."
"I want two lovely grandsons to spoil and gang up with against you two."
"Grandma Amanda," said dad.
"Grandpa Rick," said mum, smiling lovingly over at dad.
"That's one a piece then," said dad looking between Daniel and I.
"He let's enough girl's play with it," I said looking over at Daniel.
"Josh!"
"So surely a child isn't beyond him."
"You could always get one of your buddies to spit up a dyke," said Daniel.
"Daniel!"
"Have you heard from Steve?" mum asked. "How he's going and all?"
"No, nothing."
"Oh, that's shame. Although, I'm sure he's being very successful and very busy."
I felt sad because not had I not heard from him for ages, but I hadn't really thought about him either. When did I stop thinking about him?
Mum's two sons, never was she ever happier than when she could gaze across the table to see her two boys. Dad makes her third boy, she always said.
My two boys, three boys she would correct herself as she grabbed dad's wrist. She wouldn't fail to say this at some point during the proceedings and she didn't fail today.
"My two boys," said Daniel echoing mum's words.
And we never seemed to fail to turn into those two boys.
Dad and mum were always kissing and cuddling and making goo goo eyes at each other lost in their own little forty year world of bliss that only included the two of them, but mum was never quite so radiant, didn't glow quite so obviously than when her two six foot sons were standing either side of her, even dad commented on it.
"There are two other men in this relationship," dad would say to his friends, as proud as punch, "Who I don't have a hope of competing with."
At extended family gatherings she would dress us up like her own male models and we both scrub up pretty well. She always wanted us to accompany her and dad at "an entrance."
"You two stand by me... and your father."
We must look reasonably presentable, because all of our lives older women have fawn over us and comment on how handsome we are. And on paper, at least, we look like the perfect children, doctor, lawyer.
You two are my greatest achievements, mum is fond of saying.
I stumbled in late, as per usual, all the usual comments were made. I was stoned, sure, but when I say stumbled, I don't mean visibly. I was just feeling like I was stumbling on the inside, the stumble I talk about wasn't visible to the naked eye.
Daniel coughed me, as I sat down and indicated that I should take my sun glasses off, oops. Nobody noticed. He rolled his eyes. He'd come from work.
Of course, mum asked me if I have got a job yet? It didn't take long.
"You know mum, it's one thing for the powers that be to legislate down to the bogun now a days, but please don't ask me to go out and work with them."
"Oh Josh."
"Their baby bonus' and their family payments and their tax breaks and their kids and their kids and their kids. And that unshakable belief that they are the back bone of the country, when it is just stupidity begetting stupidity, breeding more to waste an even greater amount of the world's resources."
"Josh, middle class Australia didn't do you any harm."
"Harm..."
"Ah Josh," said Daniel. I looked over at him. "Mum's birthday." He smiled his concerned smile.
I don't think she and dad get it, I know they don't. They don't understand for one minute why I may not want to work.
"It's good for you," mum said. "It gives you purpose, self esteem, ideas, value, not just money, you know."
Fortunately yesterday, she just stopped momentarily, as if digesting what I'd said and went onto the next question.
"So, what have you boys been up to?"
"Daniel met a nice young girl when he was out drinking last night," I said. "And she had a sleep over."
"Well Josh... I'm sure that was lovely for all concerned."
"Yeah, cheers, thanks a lot, mate," said Daniel.
"I'm glad you are getting out and about," said Dad to Daniel. "Good on you."
"I'm glad Daniel is moving forward and not pining for Claire," mum said to me.
"Nice deflection," said Daniel. "You know I'm impressed." He nodded his head and looked over at mum."Mum, don't listen to Josh, he's been taking drugs."
My stomach rolled over for a millisecond. What? Are yes, very funny, nice try.
"Not again," said mum, her gaze straight back to me. "I thought you'd tried that and decided you didn't like it?"
"Mandy?"said dad.
I was still looking at Daniel, he gazed my way and smirked his "got you" smirk.
"Mandy?" said dad.
"I thought we were well over that. What? Josh?"
"Mandy?" said dad.
"I see... that's how it's going to be," I said to Daniel.
"Mandy?" said dad.
"What Rick?" said mum.
"You're the one who lowered the bar, buddy,"said Daniel.
"You are falling for your two boys again."
"Why, just because I told them about the twelve years old you screwed last night."
"First year uni mum," said Daniel. "I was just helping her with her orientation."
"Nothing wrong with that," said dad.
"How old are the girls in first year uni," asked mum, concerned. "For heavens sake?"
"Mandy?" said dad.
"Oh Daniel, is this true? Josh, that is too serious an issue to joke about."
"Mandy?" said dad.
"How old are girls in first year uni, Rick."
"Old enough to know better to stay away from an ugly lug like Daniel. Can we order, please?"
"Oh yes," said mum. She turned over the hard backed menu and opened the cover. "I hear the seafood is especially good here."
"First year uni," said dad to Daniel, lecherously. "Ay?"
"Too young for you Daniel, for heavens sake," said mum. "What are you doing with twenty year old girls, Daniel?"
"Oh Mandy, what do you think he's doing with twenty year old girls?"
"Oh Rick."
"What were you doing when you were twenty mum," I asked. "Can you remember?"
"Not that," said mum. "And of course I can remember."
"Oh come on mum?" said Daniel.
"Yes mum, are you still sticking with him over there being your one and only?"
"I think I will have the Salmon steak," said mum, as she playfully smacked me around the ear.
"No chance of any bastard children being dumped on your doorstep," I said to mum. "She was too drunk to ever remember ugly, over there's, face."
"Apparently, she uses the same drug dealer as Josho."
"Will you two boys stop it now and decide on what you are going to have."
"Is dad paying?" I asked. I raised my hands in the air as he looked over at me. "I live the life of the unemployed, remember."
"When are you going to get a job, brother of mine?"
"I guess, it's still up to your father to pay for his family when they are out," said mum.
I had seafood risotto and I shared a bottle of red with mum. Daniel and dad both drank water, but possibly for different reasons. Dad had steak and Daniel also had the salmon.
"I will be expecting some grandsons from either of you in the near future though, I just thought I'd mention that."
That's a new one. "Don't expect any from me," I said.
"Oh no, I read it's very big amongst the gay crowd now a days, so you are not getting off the hook that easily," said mum. "You can get yourself a nice lesbian to be the mother."
"With the lifestyle he leads," said Daniel looking over at me.
"Although, I'll be expecting a girl whose blood type you know at the very least, Daniel.
"Nothing planned, I can assure you, mum."
"I want two lovely grandsons to spoil and gang up with against you two."
"Grandma Amanda," said dad.
"Grandpa Rick," said mum, smiling lovingly over at dad.
"That's one a piece then," said dad looking between Daniel and I.
"He let's enough girl's play with it," I said looking over at Daniel.
"Josh!"
"So surely a child isn't beyond him."
"You could always get one of your buddies to spit up a dyke," said Daniel.
"Daniel!"
"Have you heard from Steve?" mum asked. "How he's going and all?"
"No, nothing."
"Oh, that's shame. Although, I'm sure he's being very successful and very busy."
I felt sad because not had I not heard from him for ages, but I hadn't really thought about him either. When did I stop thinking about him?
Mum's two sons, never was she ever happier than when she could gaze across the table to see her two boys. Dad makes her third boy, she always said.
My two boys, three boys she would correct herself as she grabbed dad's wrist. She wouldn't fail to say this at some point during the proceedings and she didn't fail today.
"My two boys," said Daniel echoing mum's words.
And we never seemed to fail to turn into those two boys.
Dad and mum were always kissing and cuddling and making goo goo eyes at each other lost in their own little forty year world of bliss that only included the two of them, but mum was never quite so radiant, didn't glow quite so obviously than when her two six foot sons were standing either side of her, even dad commented on it.
"There are two other men in this relationship," dad would say to his friends, as proud as punch, "Who I don't have a hope of competing with."
At extended family gatherings she would dress us up like her own male models and we both scrub up pretty well. She always wanted us to accompany her and dad at "an entrance."
"You two stand by me... and your father."
We must look reasonably presentable, because all of our lives older women have fawn over us and comment on how handsome we are. And on paper, at least, we look like the perfect children, doctor, lawyer.
You two are my greatest achievements, mum is fond of saying.
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