Amanda Grant
Ding dong sounded the door bell early, 7.30am. I opened the front door a crack.
“It’s your mother.”
I opened the door wider, standing in front of her in my undies.
“Is that any way to greet a guest at the front door, Josh?”
“Nobody who I would even remotely label a guest would be arriving at this hour in the morning.”
“You are wasting the best hours of the day.”
“You sound like grandma.”
“Oh don’t say that.” She sounded wounded.
I laughed.
“Put something on Josh, your mother doesn’t want to be looking at her sons bulges this early in the morning.”
She goes to the lounge room. “Have you been burning joss sticks again?”
I go to my bedroom. “Your sons bulges certainly don’t want to be looking at you,” I call from my bedroom as I looked for trackie daks and a hoodie.
“I’ve just got a new car, I got it last night,” mum called back. “I couldn’t sleep, I was up early, I just wanted to drive it some where.”
I stepped back into the kitchen, zipping up the hoodie. “A new car?”
“I just replaced my Saab with a Golf GTI. “
“My mother now has the better model of my car.”
“What darling?”
“A GTI Golf.”
“Is that what you have?”
“You know I do.”
“That’s okay darling, you can drive mine,” said Mum. “I hardly drive it any way.”
“You drive it all the time.”
“I quite like the slightly smaller size.”
“No more Saabs, it is an end of an era.”
“Darling, Saabs are now destined for the discount shelf and oblivion before the wrecking yard. What could I do?”
“You make buying a new car sound so dramatic.”
“It is black and manual, I’ve still got it baby.” Mum pulled her skirt up alarmingly high on her thigh.
“Okay, okay, okay.” I held my hand out to shield the view. “And what did dad get…”
“Oh some stupid Renault RS thingimy."
“Coincidence?”
“What’s your point?” said cross examiner Amanda Grant.
“Two twilight crises. I just hope you two know when it is time to stop driving.”
“I’m only fifty, darling.”
“Sixty.”
She drew in an enormous amount of air at her surprise at her son’s audacity to even imply she was a sixty year old woman. “Not Sixty yet.”
“Nearly…”
“Oh for goodness sake, your father said he was thinking of the environment.” Mum laughed. “How long is it since we went four wheel driving?”
“I don’t think you ever have.”
“Exactly! Well, no, not never. We did a lot once.”
“Once?”
She shrugged. “Precisely.”
“And his stupid Renault thingy?” I made what can only be described as an imaginary umbrella over me, then I pretended to change gears, with hand and foot movements.
“It is black and manual, also.”
I looked at her without saying another word.
“My car company went out of business.” She raised her eye brows and she raised her hands in the air. The life seemed to drain out of her face. "C'est la vie." Quite the actress, our Amanda. She did all that dreadful Footlights stuff at Uni, where she met dad. He's an actress too.
I licked my lips. I needed quiet.
“Are you going to make your mother a cup of tea, or am I expected to duck down the shop and get you a take away?”
“Things aren’t quite that bad yet.” I headed to the kitchen.
“Yet,” said Amanda following me. “And what happens when they do get that bad, Joshua.” She is the only one who calls me Joshua. I know something has been playing on her mind when she does.
I click on the kettle.
“What gets that bad?”
I reach up into the cupboard and get two white cups.
“Things, Joshua, things.” How many Joshua’s had that been?
I put the cups down in front of her. “I’ve just finished a job. It filled up the coffers.
“You’re getting too old…”
“Thirty four.”
“For the gypsy life. Employers won’t want you soon.”
I put two pot strength tea bags into the cups. “They don’t want me now.”
“And you make a joke of it. Josh?”
“Settle down Mandy.” That’s what dad says to her.
“Get a job or how are you going to find a wife and have some children?”
“Really?” Of all the things she could be worried about for me in my life, I found it alarming that that was it.
“Oh, you know what I mean. Have the good life.”
The kettle snapped off with a loud click and there was silence. What the fuck time was it any way?
I poured the hot water into the cups. “You’ve had your allocation of words for a breakfast situation, young lady.”
“You can’t always switch off Joshua.”
Daniel stepped into the kitchen, hearing mums last sentence. “Oh no, not one of those mornings.”
“Can you shut her up,” I begged.
“Good morning, mum, for what do we owe the pleasure?” said Daniel flat and monotone. He coughed afterwards.
I looked at mum and thought there was still a question of hers, which I did not want to answer. I looked at Daniel.
Mum had been looking at me waiting for me to respond, but when I didn't, she looked at Daniel too.
“What the hell time is it? Did I sleep in again?” said Daniel. “Did we miss day light savings? Or something?”
“He’s going to run a hospital?” mum asked. "I don't think you two are making the best use of our tax dollars."
“She’s going on like a demented cockatoo,” I said.
“Good morning Daniel darling,” said Mum enthusiastically.
“Good morning Daniel darling,” I mimicked.
“Seriously? What time is it? I can’t find my phone.”
“Seriously, I am going to club her to death if she doesn’t shut the fuck up.”
“Joshua!”
“No bad language, Joshua,” Daniel mimicked her note and inflection perfect.
“You two really are brats, where did I go wrong.”
“The best sons you’ve got,” said Daniel. “Seriously mum, how many loser kids do you have to see on the Teev to realise that.”
“I’ve got a new car and I just needed somewhere to drive it to this morning, so who better that my two strapping sons. Aren’t you pleased to see your mummy? There was a time when all you two ever wanted to see was your mummy putting food down in front of your chubby faces.”
“You did that,” I said to Daniel. “You mocked her and now we have to repent.”
“And before that you would both suck on my nipples like your lives depended on it.”
“Jesus!” said Daniel.
“Are you quite finished?” I asked.
“The things I did for you boys…”
“Oh fuck no!” said Daniel.
“Daniel,” exclaimed mum.
“I’ll eat at the hospital.”
“Is that a healthy way to start the way, darling,” said mum. “Take an apple for in the car.”
“Where is her off switch?”
“Tell her how much she failed you as a mother,” said Daniel.
“No, that just makes her talk more.”
Daniel walked over to the fruit bowl and took an apple. He stepped behind mum and kissed her on the head. Her arm snaked straight up and around his shoulder. She kissed sideways.
"Bye darling."
“See you.”
Footsteps down the back path. Daniel’s car started up in the back yard. The roller door whirred. Car tyres skidded on gravel.
I sipped my tea.
Mum sipped her tea.
“Is there bad blood between you two?” she asked.
“Where did that come from?”
“I know when things are not right between the two of you. You are my world, after all.”
"What’s wrong? Well, you see, Carl…"
“Daniel’s friend.”
"Yes."
“His mum is a high court judge.”
“Yes, but hardly the point here?"
My life flashed before me.
He took his pants down.
Carl? Daniel's friend?
Yes, Daniel’s friend.
Doesn't he have a long term girlfriend?
And I was the only other person in the room.
I shook my head.
"Is this about you and Daniel?" said mum. I returned to the present as I heard her voice.
"It is about me and Daniel."
“Well, can you get to that bit and spare me the ridiculous intro.”
No, I don’t think so. What the hell was I telling her for.
“Nothing, we’re good.”
“What have you done Josh?”
“Nothing. We’re good. You imagined the whole thing.”
“For some reason you sound guilty of something, my darling.”
“Who? Me?”
“Yes honey, it is you who sounds like you have something to confess to.”
“I can think of nothing with which I have to enlighten you, mother.”
“Oh, Josh, mother? What did you do?”
“Don’t you have to attend to the needy?”
Mum jiggled her keys at me. “Do you want to take it for a spin.”
“I never drive mine, why would I want to drive yours?”
“Don’t be like that, darling, Come and play with mummies new toy with her…”
“There were plays written about that.”
Another jarring key rattling. “Last chance.”
“I’m over the limit.”
“Have you been drinking?”
“No.”
“Oh and I guess you think that is a smart thing at this time of the morning. Jesus Josh, what time is it?”
“Back to your coven, witch.”
“Joshua, you are impossible.”
“What time is it? If I wanted to be subjected to this as a morning ritual, I’d go back to work.”
“About work, Josh?”
“Make the nasty lady stop!”
“Heavens, it’s 8.45.” There was Amanda working an iPhone.
“Up to date ma?” I did hear how much of a 5 year old I sounded.
“The 6plus. I love the new size.” She looked triumphant about something. She stepped towards me and kissed me. She smelt of powder and perfume and lipstick and makeup.
“Get a job. Make your mother proud.”
“Been there, done that.”
“Get a job any way.
There was silence.
I made more coffee.
I rolled a joint.
Then I rolled another joint.
I whacked off thinking about sucking Nick Canon’s cock.
“It’s your mother.”
I opened the door wider, standing in front of her in my undies.
“Is that any way to greet a guest at the front door, Josh?”
“Nobody who I would even remotely label a guest would be arriving at this hour in the morning.”
“You are wasting the best hours of the day.”
“You sound like grandma.”
“Oh don’t say that.” She sounded wounded.
I laughed.
“Put something on Josh, your mother doesn’t want to be looking at her sons bulges this early in the morning.”
She goes to the lounge room. “Have you been burning joss sticks again?”
I go to my bedroom. “Your sons bulges certainly don’t want to be looking at you,” I call from my bedroom as I looked for trackie daks and a hoodie.
“I’ve just got a new car, I got it last night,” mum called back. “I couldn’t sleep, I was up early, I just wanted to drive it some where.”
I stepped back into the kitchen, zipping up the hoodie. “A new car?”
“I just replaced my Saab with a Golf GTI. “
“My mother now has the better model of my car.”
“What darling?”
“A GTI Golf.”
“Is that what you have?”
“You know I do.”
“That’s okay darling, you can drive mine,” said Mum. “I hardly drive it any way.”
“You drive it all the time.”
“I quite like the slightly smaller size.”
“No more Saabs, it is an end of an era.”
“Darling, Saabs are now destined for the discount shelf and oblivion before the wrecking yard. What could I do?”
“You make buying a new car sound so dramatic.”
“It is black and manual, I’ve still got it baby.” Mum pulled her skirt up alarmingly high on her thigh.
“Okay, okay, okay.” I held my hand out to shield the view. “And what did dad get…”
“Oh some stupid Renault RS thingimy."
“Coincidence?”
“What’s your point?” said cross examiner Amanda Grant.
“Two twilight crises. I just hope you two know when it is time to stop driving.”
“I’m only fifty, darling.”
“Sixty.”
She drew in an enormous amount of air at her surprise at her son’s audacity to even imply she was a sixty year old woman. “Not Sixty yet.”
“Nearly…”
“Oh for goodness sake, your father said he was thinking of the environment.” Mum laughed. “How long is it since we went four wheel driving?”
“I don’t think you ever have.”
“Exactly! Well, no, not never. We did a lot once.”
“Once?”
She shrugged. “Precisely.”
“And his stupid Renault thingy?” I made what can only be described as an imaginary umbrella over me, then I pretended to change gears, with hand and foot movements.
“It is black and manual, also.”
I looked at her without saying another word.
“My car company went out of business.” She raised her eye brows and she raised her hands in the air. The life seemed to drain out of her face. "C'est la vie." Quite the actress, our Amanda. She did all that dreadful Footlights stuff at Uni, where she met dad. He's an actress too.
I licked my lips. I needed quiet.
“Are you going to make your mother a cup of tea, or am I expected to duck down the shop and get you a take away?”
“Things aren’t quite that bad yet.” I headed to the kitchen.
“Yet,” said Amanda following me. “And what happens when they do get that bad, Joshua.” She is the only one who calls me Joshua. I know something has been playing on her mind when she does.
I click on the kettle.
“What gets that bad?”
I reach up into the cupboard and get two white cups.
“Things, Joshua, things.” How many Joshua’s had that been?
I put the cups down in front of her. “I’ve just finished a job. It filled up the coffers.
“You’re getting too old…”
“Thirty four.”
“For the gypsy life. Employers won’t want you soon.”
I put two pot strength tea bags into the cups. “They don’t want me now.”
“And you make a joke of it. Josh?”
“Settle down Mandy.” That’s what dad says to her.
“Get a job or how are you going to find a wife and have some children?”
“Really?” Of all the things she could be worried about for me in my life, I found it alarming that that was it.
“Oh, you know what I mean. Have the good life.”
The kettle snapped off with a loud click and there was silence. What the fuck time was it any way?
I poured the hot water into the cups. “You’ve had your allocation of words for a breakfast situation, young lady.”
“You can’t always switch off Joshua.”
Daniel stepped into the kitchen, hearing mums last sentence. “Oh no, not one of those mornings.”
“Can you shut her up,” I begged.
“Good morning, mum, for what do we owe the pleasure?” said Daniel flat and monotone. He coughed afterwards.
I looked at mum and thought there was still a question of hers, which I did not want to answer. I looked at Daniel.
Mum had been looking at me waiting for me to respond, but when I didn't, she looked at Daniel too.
“What the hell time is it? Did I sleep in again?” said Daniel. “Did we miss day light savings? Or something?”
“He’s going to run a hospital?” mum asked. "I don't think you two are making the best use of our tax dollars."
“She’s going on like a demented cockatoo,” I said.
“Good morning Daniel darling,” said Mum enthusiastically.
“Good morning Daniel darling,” I mimicked.
“Seriously? What time is it? I can’t find my phone.”
“Seriously, I am going to club her to death if she doesn’t shut the fuck up.”
“Joshua!”
“No bad language, Joshua,” Daniel mimicked her note and inflection perfect.
“You two really are brats, where did I go wrong.”
“The best sons you’ve got,” said Daniel. “Seriously mum, how many loser kids do you have to see on the Teev to realise that.”
“I’ve got a new car and I just needed somewhere to drive it to this morning, so who better that my two strapping sons. Aren’t you pleased to see your mummy? There was a time when all you two ever wanted to see was your mummy putting food down in front of your chubby faces.”
“You did that,” I said to Daniel. “You mocked her and now we have to repent.”
“And before that you would both suck on my nipples like your lives depended on it.”
“Jesus!” said Daniel.
“Are you quite finished?” I asked.
“The things I did for you boys…”
“Oh fuck no!” said Daniel.
“Daniel,” exclaimed mum.
“I’ll eat at the hospital.”
“Is that a healthy way to start the way, darling,” said mum. “Take an apple for in the car.”
“Where is her off switch?”
“Tell her how much she failed you as a mother,” said Daniel.
“No, that just makes her talk more.”
Daniel walked over to the fruit bowl and took an apple. He stepped behind mum and kissed her on the head. Her arm snaked straight up and around his shoulder. She kissed sideways.
"Bye darling."
“See you.”
Footsteps down the back path. Daniel’s car started up in the back yard. The roller door whirred. Car tyres skidded on gravel.
I sipped my tea.
Mum sipped her tea.
“Is there bad blood between you two?” she asked.
“Where did that come from?”
“I know when things are not right between the two of you. You are my world, after all.”
"What’s wrong? Well, you see, Carl…"
“Daniel’s friend.”
"Yes."
“His mum is a high court judge.”
“Yes, but hardly the point here?"
My life flashed before me.
He took his pants down.
Carl? Daniel's friend?
Yes, Daniel’s friend.
Doesn't he have a long term girlfriend?
And I was the only other person in the room.
I shook my head.
"Is this about you and Daniel?" said mum. I returned to the present as I heard her voice.
"It is about me and Daniel."
“Well, can you get to that bit and spare me the ridiculous intro.”
No, I don’t think so. What the hell was I telling her for.
“Nothing, we’re good.”
“What have you done Josh?”
“Nothing. We’re good. You imagined the whole thing.”
“For some reason you sound guilty of something, my darling.”
“Who? Me?”
“Yes honey, it is you who sounds like you have something to confess to.”
“I can think of nothing with which I have to enlighten you, mother.”
“Oh, Josh, mother? What did you do?”
“Don’t you have to attend to the needy?”
Mum jiggled her keys at me. “Do you want to take it for a spin.”
“I never drive mine, why would I want to drive yours?”
“Don’t be like that, darling, Come and play with mummies new toy with her…”
“There were plays written about that.”
Another jarring key rattling. “Last chance.”
“I’m over the limit.”
“Have you been drinking?”
“No.”
“Oh and I guess you think that is a smart thing at this time of the morning. Jesus Josh, what time is it?”
“Back to your coven, witch.”
“Joshua, you are impossible.”
“What time is it? If I wanted to be subjected to this as a morning ritual, I’d go back to work.”
“About work, Josh?”
“Make the nasty lady stop!”
“Heavens, it’s 8.45.” There was Amanda working an iPhone.
“Up to date ma?” I did hear how much of a 5 year old I sounded.
“The 6plus. I love the new size.” She looked triumphant about something. She stepped towards me and kissed me. She smelt of powder and perfume and lipstick and makeup.
“Get a job. Make your mother proud.”
“Been there, done that.”
“Get a job any way.
There was silence.
I made more coffee.
I rolled a joint.
Then I rolled another joint.
I whacked off thinking about sucking Nick Canon’s cock.
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