Harper Family Wedding
Then it was his family, and I have never really been a slave to the idea of my partner’s family. There was a cousin’s wedding and Ben wanted me to attend with him, as his other half. It was being held in the country, up near Mount Macedon. It was formal, of course. I was nervous. Jesus fuck, who thought this was a good idea, I thought as I got out of Ben’s BMW in the carpark.
The guests were all arriving at once.
Ben and I dressed in black dinner suits. Ben looked super handsome, blonde hair, blue eyes, black suit. It wasn’t until we got there that I realised how nervous he, actually, was.
We stood by the car in the car park, staring at the stone church.
“Okay, you ready?” I asked.
“Yep,” said Ben. “Let’s do it.”
We stepped forward at exactly the same time. Ben looked back at me and smiled, I swear my breath stopped just momentarily.
We were like two James Bonds. “Stirred, not shaken,” I said.
“What?” said Ben.
“We look like James Bond.”
“Two James Bond?”
“Why not,” I said. “He was a fantasy of mine when I was a teenager.”
Ben laughed. “That’s shaken, not stirred.”
“You don’t want to be shaken, at a time like this,” I said.
Ben laughed. “Come on.”
“Lead on,” I said. “This is your…”
“Don’t say it,” said Ben.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
“I’m just trying to remain positive.”
Ben took my hand and led me to the faux gothic arch of the reproduction entrance way.
His mum and dad seemed to be fine with the two of us, even if Ben did let go of my hand when he spotted them. His father shook my hand, as did his mother. His brothers and sisters, seemed cool with us, his two sisters Stephanie and Eve not hesitating in giving me a kiss. His brothers Carl and Jacob gave me a warm hug. No one really seemed to have a problem with Ben and I. (Although, I did wonder if Ben’s mum was being honest) The older aunts and uncles didn’t seem to mind either, apparently, no old Catholics with religious grudges amongst them.
We were the shiny new things.
We sat halfway down the church pews just behind his family. Hunky fireman Carey was waiting at the alter as we took our seats. What, I assumed, were his firemen mates as his groomsmen, looked like a troupe of strippers just waiting for hey Big Spender to start playing.
Cousin Gina was right on time, she was all decked out in white.
“Do you think the white dress means she hasn’t done it with Carey yet,” I whispered to Ben.
He thumped my thigh. But when Carey turned to look at Gina coming up the isle with her father, and his handsome face beamed, Ben turned to me and whispered, “Jesus, I’d be all over him from the first date.” Not something Ben would normally say, I was impressed.
The reception building was just behind the reproduction church. The tables were decorated with mint and eggplants.
There was a sit down dinner. We were seated together. I squeezed Ben’s knee under the table, he jumped. He gave me big, blue eyes, it made me laugh.
I wanted to kiss him. I wondered how the family would take that? It’s one thing accepting one of your best boys has gone to the other side, I was pretty sure it would be a completely different thing to see him physically confirm his gay orientation. Still, it made me smile for a moment.
There was a salmon entre.
“So, you’re a friend of Ben’s,” said Uncle Eric. He was sitting on my other side at the table.
“Yes,” I said.
“Very close?”
“Um… it depends what you mean by very close?”
“Oh, I don’t mean to pry, man,” said Uncle Eric. “Your business is your business, it’s just that I haven’t met you before.”
“I’m Josh.”
“Eric. Are you and Ben friends?”
“Yes.”
“Boyfriends?”
“Um… I’m surprised by your question.”
Eric leaned into me. “Don’t be coy, young man,” Eric said in hushed tones. “Are you and Ben having sex?”
“I’m even more sur…”
“Yes, or no?”
“Yes.”
“Good man, now we are getting somewhere,” said Eric. “Are you the boy to straighten out our straight nephew? Finally?”
“I’m not sure how much straightening…”
“The boy has a heart, as big as this world.”
“I know.”
“Too sensitive for the,” he made parenthesis with his fingers in the air, “normal life, that has always been clear,” said Uncle Eric. “You know, he was never much of a footballer, nor one for hanging with the lads.”
“You know, if a boy can’t throw, or catch…”
“And you two will look good…” Eric pulled his head back. “You two already do… he just gave us side eye like he wants to know what his old uncle is saying to his boy.”
I looked at Ben, then looked back at Uncle Eric.”
“That is something a partner does,” said Eric. “So how long has this been going on.”
“Not long, we’re pretty new at it,” I said. “Just since the end of last year.”
“Honesty is the key, you know,” said Eric. “If you have that, you have everything.”
“We’re honest with…”
“Good for you,” said Eric. “Don’t sweat the small things, it’s just a waste of energy.”
“The small things?”
“Set each other free, and if you come back to each other… well, you know the rest, it is an old cliché, but I think it holds up as true.”
“I do sir.” I threw myself by calling him sir.
“Do everything together, even other people,” said Eric. “And no secrets. It’s not what you do that will kill it, but any lies you tell justifying what you did.”
“Yes sir.” There it was again. “I totally agree with you.” I clearly liked Eric.
“Good boy,” said Eric. “Ben is a lovely boy, and he deserves a lovely boy, if that’s what he wants, to love him back.”
“He is a lovely boy,” I said.
“And be kind. We need to be kind to our partners, they are, after all, our biggest investment.”
For the main course, there was pork, or chicken.
There were toasts, from the two fathers, and the best man, then the bride, and finally the groom, so they went on for some time.
There was a live band that played music all threw the dinner.
For desert there was jelly and a panna cotta, or a sticky date pudding.
There was an open bar and lots and lots of drinking, with lots of people getting really drunk, as they do at weddings.
Sister Stephanie told me I was handsome. Sister Eve said Ben and I make a handsome couple.
One of the boy cousins, pretty Dominic, asked, “How did you… um… know? You and Ben? How do you know… the two of you?”
“We’ve known each other for a long time,” I said. “So, it has taken each other a long time.”
“Did you know Amy?”
“Yeah, we were, we are all friends.”
“Really,” he said. “And she is okay with you and Ben?”
“Yep, perfectly okay.”
I think that blew Dominic’s mind just a little. “Really.”
“In fact, in the end, it was she who told us we should be together.”
“Wow I wish my girlfriend was so…” Dominic stopped suddenly, as if he realised what he was saying.
I filled the silence. “It’s a modern world,” I said.
“Yeah.” He looked at me. “Ay.” He smiled. “Well,” He laughed, as though he was trying to make sense of everything. “Good for Amy.” Big eyes. “She always struck me as a woman who knew what was what.”
“That she is,” I said.”
And later there was a DJ playing into the late hours. And like so many other weddings I have been to in recent times, the music was all from 20, or 30 years ago. The modern wedding gives the impression there has been no new music in the last two decades.
Ben’s sisters Stephanie and Eve came and took me by the hand and led me onto the dance floor. I think that is a rite of passage, in some sense, well, for me really, when the sisters publicly acknowledge you, when you are defiling their brother.
The music played, the good time relaxed everyone, the booze lubricated the people and they grew in confidence to ask questions they would never normally ask. Uncle Eric and pretty cousin Dominic. The girl cousins giggling at me on the dance floor.
“Ben is lucky,” said Cousin Jemima. “I want a boyfriend just like you.”
I didn’t know what to say.
She laughed and added. “Well, one like you, but who likes girls.”
“Yes, I’d recommend you go for that option.”
Cousin Elspeth blushed after far too many wines and asked, “So is it true about Ben,” she said. “The girls used to watch him jog in his little shorts, and it was, apparently, the girl’s opinion that Ben clearly had…”
She meant that Ben looked like he had a big dick. “Well.” I didn’t quite know what to say. “Um.” I wasn’t expecting that question.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” Said Elspeth. She giggled.
Actually, Ben’s family were quite reserved in what they wanted to know. Often, particularly straight boys when they get really drunk, they often want to know exactly how gay sex between two men works.
“So, who’s the boy and who’s the girl in your relationship,” asked drunk cousin Nathaniel.
“Oh, um.”
“Or doesn’t it work that way,” said Nathaniel. “I’ve never been too sure.”
“That’s a straight relationship,” I said.
“Oh yes, I know, I know,” he slurred. “Top, or bottom, isn’t it? Who’s top and who’s bottom?”
Ben came and found me at that exact moment and he heard the last thing Nathaniel said. His eyes looked alarmed. “Can I take Josh for a minute, Nathaniel?”
“Sure thing, Ben, I wasn’t hitting on him, or anything.” Nathaniel smiled, that was clearly a joke.
They were quite reserved during the evening for the most part. The live band played and everybody danced.
“So, you and Ben tying the knot next,” asked Young Cousin Nick.
“Oh.” How do I answer that? “We’ll see, I guess.”
“You guys can now,” said Nick. “I voted yes for you guys.” He beamed proudly. “It was the first time I got to vote.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“I could never see a reason why you guys couldn’t.”
“No, me neither.”
“Love is love.”
“Love is love,” I repeated.
The most surprising thing of the evening was Ben’s little brother Carl who got really drunk and, I am pretty sure, was making eyes at me by the finish. He looks a lot like Ben, so what is there not to like, I mean, I ask you. Bad Josh.
Late in the night, Auntie Cheryl sidled up to me with the stupid grin of far too many chardonnays. “You and Ben would have beautiful children.”
I laughed. “I think two boys,” I said. “You know, if you go in for the replacement theory.” I just have to answer with the first thing that comes into my head, trusting my lack of filter wouldn’t let me down, I can’t do small talk any other way.
“It’s a really shame that you can’t.”
“I guess,” I said. “But which one of us would do the school run.”
“You’d have to share it,” said Cheryl. “It is a modern world, after all.”
The guests were all arriving at once.
Ben and I dressed in black dinner suits. Ben looked super handsome, blonde hair, blue eyes, black suit. It wasn’t until we got there that I realised how nervous he, actually, was.
We stood by the car in the car park, staring at the stone church.
“Okay, you ready?” I asked.
“Yep,” said Ben. “Let’s do it.”
We stepped forward at exactly the same time. Ben looked back at me and smiled, I swear my breath stopped just momentarily.
We were like two James Bonds. “Stirred, not shaken,” I said.
“What?” said Ben.
“We look like James Bond.”
“Two James Bond?”
“Why not,” I said. “He was a fantasy of mine when I was a teenager.”
Ben laughed. “That’s shaken, not stirred.”
“You don’t want to be shaken, at a time like this,” I said.
Ben laughed. “Come on.”
“Lead on,” I said. “This is your…”
“Don’t say it,” said Ben.
“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
“I’m just trying to remain positive.”
Ben took my hand and led me to the faux gothic arch of the reproduction entrance way.
His mum and dad seemed to be fine with the two of us, even if Ben did let go of my hand when he spotted them. His father shook my hand, as did his mother. His brothers and sisters, seemed cool with us, his two sisters Stephanie and Eve not hesitating in giving me a kiss. His brothers Carl and Jacob gave me a warm hug. No one really seemed to have a problem with Ben and I. (Although, I did wonder if Ben’s mum was being honest) The older aunts and uncles didn’t seem to mind either, apparently, no old Catholics with religious grudges amongst them.
We were the shiny new things.
We sat halfway down the church pews just behind his family. Hunky fireman Carey was waiting at the alter as we took our seats. What, I assumed, were his firemen mates as his groomsmen, looked like a troupe of strippers just waiting for hey Big Spender to start playing.
Cousin Gina was right on time, she was all decked out in white.
“Do you think the white dress means she hasn’t done it with Carey yet,” I whispered to Ben.
He thumped my thigh. But when Carey turned to look at Gina coming up the isle with her father, and his handsome face beamed, Ben turned to me and whispered, “Jesus, I’d be all over him from the first date.” Not something Ben would normally say, I was impressed.
The reception building was just behind the reproduction church. The tables were decorated with mint and eggplants.
There was a sit down dinner. We were seated together. I squeezed Ben’s knee under the table, he jumped. He gave me big, blue eyes, it made me laugh.
I wanted to kiss him. I wondered how the family would take that? It’s one thing accepting one of your best boys has gone to the other side, I was pretty sure it would be a completely different thing to see him physically confirm his gay orientation. Still, it made me smile for a moment.
There was a salmon entre.
“So, you’re a friend of Ben’s,” said Uncle Eric. He was sitting on my other side at the table.
“Yes,” I said.
“Very close?”
“Um… it depends what you mean by very close?”
“Oh, I don’t mean to pry, man,” said Uncle Eric. “Your business is your business, it’s just that I haven’t met you before.”
“I’m Josh.”
“Eric. Are you and Ben friends?”
“Yes.”
“Boyfriends?”
“Um… I’m surprised by your question.”
Eric leaned into me. “Don’t be coy, young man,” Eric said in hushed tones. “Are you and Ben having sex?”
“I’m even more sur…”
“Yes, or no?”
“Yes.”
“Good man, now we are getting somewhere,” said Eric. “Are you the boy to straighten out our straight nephew? Finally?”
“I’m not sure how much straightening…”
“The boy has a heart, as big as this world.”
“I know.”
“Too sensitive for the,” he made parenthesis with his fingers in the air, “normal life, that has always been clear,” said Uncle Eric. “You know, he was never much of a footballer, nor one for hanging with the lads.”
“You know, if a boy can’t throw, or catch…”
“And you two will look good…” Eric pulled his head back. “You two already do… he just gave us side eye like he wants to know what his old uncle is saying to his boy.”
I looked at Ben, then looked back at Uncle Eric.”
“That is something a partner does,” said Eric. “So how long has this been going on.”
“Not long, we’re pretty new at it,” I said. “Just since the end of last year.”
“Honesty is the key, you know,” said Eric. “If you have that, you have everything.”
“We’re honest with…”
“Good for you,” said Eric. “Don’t sweat the small things, it’s just a waste of energy.”
“The small things?”
“Set each other free, and if you come back to each other… well, you know the rest, it is an old cliché, but I think it holds up as true.”
“I do sir.” I threw myself by calling him sir.
“Do everything together, even other people,” said Eric. “And no secrets. It’s not what you do that will kill it, but any lies you tell justifying what you did.”
“Yes sir.” There it was again. “I totally agree with you.” I clearly liked Eric.
“Good boy,” said Eric. “Ben is a lovely boy, and he deserves a lovely boy, if that’s what he wants, to love him back.”
“He is a lovely boy,” I said.
“And be kind. We need to be kind to our partners, they are, after all, our biggest investment.”
For the main course, there was pork, or chicken.
There were toasts, from the two fathers, and the best man, then the bride, and finally the groom, so they went on for some time.
There was a live band that played music all threw the dinner.
For desert there was jelly and a panna cotta, or a sticky date pudding.
There was an open bar and lots and lots of drinking, with lots of people getting really drunk, as they do at weddings.
Sister Stephanie told me I was handsome. Sister Eve said Ben and I make a handsome couple.
One of the boy cousins, pretty Dominic, asked, “How did you… um… know? You and Ben? How do you know… the two of you?”
“We’ve known each other for a long time,” I said. “So, it has taken each other a long time.”
“Did you know Amy?”
“Yeah, we were, we are all friends.”
“Really,” he said. “And she is okay with you and Ben?”
“Yep, perfectly okay.”
I think that blew Dominic’s mind just a little. “Really.”
“In fact, in the end, it was she who told us we should be together.”
“Wow I wish my girlfriend was so…” Dominic stopped suddenly, as if he realised what he was saying.
I filled the silence. “It’s a modern world,” I said.
“Yeah.” He looked at me. “Ay.” He smiled. “Well,” He laughed, as though he was trying to make sense of everything. “Good for Amy.” Big eyes. “She always struck me as a woman who knew what was what.”
“That she is,” I said.”
And later there was a DJ playing into the late hours. And like so many other weddings I have been to in recent times, the music was all from 20, or 30 years ago. The modern wedding gives the impression there has been no new music in the last two decades.
Ben’s sisters Stephanie and Eve came and took me by the hand and led me onto the dance floor. I think that is a rite of passage, in some sense, well, for me really, when the sisters publicly acknowledge you, when you are defiling their brother.
The music played, the good time relaxed everyone, the booze lubricated the people and they grew in confidence to ask questions they would never normally ask. Uncle Eric and pretty cousin Dominic. The girl cousins giggling at me on the dance floor.
“Ben is lucky,” said Cousin Jemima. “I want a boyfriend just like you.”
I didn’t know what to say.
She laughed and added. “Well, one like you, but who likes girls.”
“Yes, I’d recommend you go for that option.”
Cousin Elspeth blushed after far too many wines and asked, “So is it true about Ben,” she said. “The girls used to watch him jog in his little shorts, and it was, apparently, the girl’s opinion that Ben clearly had…”
She meant that Ben looked like he had a big dick. “Well.” I didn’t quite know what to say. “Um.” I wasn’t expecting that question.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” Said Elspeth. She giggled.
Actually, Ben’s family were quite reserved in what they wanted to know. Often, particularly straight boys when they get really drunk, they often want to know exactly how gay sex between two men works.
“So, who’s the boy and who’s the girl in your relationship,” asked drunk cousin Nathaniel.
“Oh, um.”
“Or doesn’t it work that way,” said Nathaniel. “I’ve never been too sure.”
“That’s a straight relationship,” I said.
“Oh yes, I know, I know,” he slurred. “Top, or bottom, isn’t it? Who’s top and who’s bottom?”
Ben came and found me at that exact moment and he heard the last thing Nathaniel said. His eyes looked alarmed. “Can I take Josh for a minute, Nathaniel?”
“Sure thing, Ben, I wasn’t hitting on him, or anything.” Nathaniel smiled, that was clearly a joke.
They were quite reserved during the evening for the most part. The live band played and everybody danced.
“So, you and Ben tying the knot next,” asked Young Cousin Nick.
“Oh.” How do I answer that? “We’ll see, I guess.”
“You guys can now,” said Nick. “I voted yes for you guys.” He beamed proudly. “It was the first time I got to vote.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“I could never see a reason why you guys couldn’t.”
“No, me neither.”
“Love is love.”
“Love is love,” I repeated.
The most surprising thing of the evening was Ben’s little brother Carl who got really drunk and, I am pretty sure, was making eyes at me by the finish. He looks a lot like Ben, so what is there not to like, I mean, I ask you. Bad Josh.
Late in the night, Auntie Cheryl sidled up to me with the stupid grin of far too many chardonnays. “You and Ben would have beautiful children.”
I laughed. “I think two boys,” I said. “You know, if you go in for the replacement theory.” I just have to answer with the first thing that comes into my head, trusting my lack of filter wouldn’t let me down, I can’t do small talk any other way.
“It’s a really shame that you can’t.”
“I guess,” I said. “But which one of us would do the school run.”
“You’d have to share it,” said Cheryl. “It is a modern world, after all.”
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