The Next Morning With Felix
I woke early because I always wake early, essentially. Ben was asleep on his back with his mouth slightly open. Felix looked so contented lying with his hands tucked under his cheek on the pillow. I stood momentarily and gazed at the two of them. What had we done, I wondered?
I pulled on a pair of Ben’s track pants and one of his t-shirts, holding it to my face to sniff ‘Ben in’ as I always do, before I slipped it on and headed out to the kitchen.
Butch was asleep in his bed, he got straight up and wriggled towards me. “Hey Butch buddy.”
He leapt about in his morning hello. Uninhibited joy, essentially, in being alive. I scratched his ears. I scratched his chin. I scratched his butt.
I stood on the tiled floor in the kitchen with bare feet as the coffee machine whirred.
I stood at the back door and gazed out at the day, sipping my coffee, as I breathed in the fresh morning air. Butch sat next to me like Yoda and stared out at the day too.
It was a lovely morning.
I thought about last night. Young gay guys taking baby gay steps in the big, wide world. I thought back to when I did. It was hard. It seemed insurmountable before I told the world, and then when I had it seemed easy. But what was the time frame of that? We forget about all the in between connecting bits, we only remember the main story points in the end.
I told Daniel. Well, I had sex with his best friend Carl’s younger brother, Cam. It was a drunken teenage party and Carl caught me with Cam in a bean bag downstairs at their place. Carl wanted to beat me up and Daniel came to my rescue telling Carl not to touch me.
“He’s touching my fucking brother.”
“Your fucking brother seems to fucking like it,” Daniel screamed as he held each of Carl’s fists in each of his hands.
I told Amanda. Well, not so much told her as she walked in on me sucking Cam’s huge cock the following weekend when everyone was supposed to be out, down the beach house, some where other that, as it turned out, where they were.
“Josh. Cam. Oh, what are you doing? Oh No.” Amanda backed out of my room.
“Do you, um, like boys?” asked Amanda later. “Or do you just like Cam?”
“Boys,” I said.
“Well, you had better tell your father.”
I told dad. I sat him down and told him in his study. I was really nervous. He hugged me and said
“As long as it makes you happy.” Then he hugged me and said, “It is good to know who you are, don’t ever stop your journey of self discovery.”
Then I was telling people I was gay all the time wondering which one of them was going to reject me, and none of them did, well, certainly not to my face. Pretty soon I was telling people I was gay like I told them my name, or where I lived, or that I liked the colour black.
It seemed like a different life now. A different Josh.
I was contemplating a joint when I heard a noise behind me and there was Felix standing there in his jocks with his hands clasped in front of his groin, kind of bouncing on the balls of his feet. I wasn’t sure if he was cold, or shy? What do they say, nipples like strawberries? Too cliched? Gym worked pecks. Narrow waist. Thick thighs, covered in hair.
Butch jumped to his feet and was straight over to Felix. Butch jumped about.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” said Felix. “Hi Butch.” Felix danced around a bit with Butch and I got to see his gorgeous arse just in his jocks for the first time.
“How are you?”
“Good.” Butch jumped up again. Felix patted him.
“Hang on and I’ll get you something to wear.”
“That would be great,” said Felix. “I only have my suit.”
“No, that won’t work.” I left him with Butch making a fuss over him.
I got him a pair of Ben’s track pants and a t-shirt. “They are Ben’s,” I said. “I hope they fit. They might be a bit long.”
“They’ll be fine,” said Felix. “So, this is Ben’s place?”
“Yes.”
He pulled on the track pants. They bunched up at his feet.
“Do you want some coffee?”
He pulled on the t-shirt. “Yeah, thanks.”
I put a cup under the machine.
Butch lay out on the floorboards with an exhale.
“How do you feel?”
“I woke quite early with very little memory of… last… night,” he said. “Momentarily, after I woke I really wondered where I was.”
I poured milk into the milk frother.
“I did wonder, you seemed to get really drunk on that wine.”
I pushed the button on the frother.
“I don’t really drink normally?”
The coffee machine whirred.
“It was Ben’s blonde hair that I recognised first, and then it was you and then it all came back to me. I hope I wasn’t too much of a pain?”
I moved the two cups to the kitchen bench. “No, not at all.”
“I looked under the covers to see I still had my jocks on.”
“We’re not complete savages,” I said. “What did you think happened?”
“Well, I didn’t know.” His hands raised up in front of him like they were questioning what happened.
The milk finished frothing.
“Then I checked that Ben and you had your jocks on,” he smiled his cheeky smile. “Well, you weren’t naked…”
“We weren’t?”
He raised his eyebrows and smiled broadly.
I think I may have blushed. “The spare bed is piled up with shit…”
“I felt safe, or more to the point, er, um, in the place where I felt like,” he smiled nervously, “I was meant to be.” His eyes welled up. “It made me feel really contented.” He smiled.
I smiled. “It was warm I’m guessing, being in the middle...”
“I want to sleep between you guys always,” said Felix.
I laughed a contented laugh.
I poured the frothy milk into the cups. I pushed Felix’s towards him.
“Thanks,” he said. He took a sip. “Good coffee.”
“You feeling okay now?”
“Yes, sure.”
“You don’t want any head ache pills?”
“No.”
“Just say if you want something.”
“I will.”
I looked at the back door, then I looked back at Felix.
Speaking of wanting something. “Um.” Fuck it, I thought. “I was just about to…” suddenly, I wondered if I was taking too much of a risk, but I had already started saying it. “… um…”
“What?” asked Felix.
I smiled, I could feel my cheeks crease. “Let’s go sit outside.”
“Oh… okay… if you think…”
We both picked up our coffee. I grabbed the brown box from the sideboard and then slid the folding doors open and we both headed outside. Luckily, it was quite a nice morning, the sun was at least attempting to shine.
“Nice garden,” said Felix.
“Yes, it is one of Ben’s unspoken passions. He loves foliage.”
“I can see.”
We both put our coffees down on the out door table at the same time. Clunk. Clunk.
Butch trotted outside behind us, and lay down with a harrumph on the ground next to us.
We sat down. The sun shone over the roof of the house on to us. Crisp, fresh, morning sun.
“Do you smoke?”
“No,” said Felix. “I didn’t know you did.”
“A joint?”
“Oh,” said Felix. “No…”
“But you didn’t know I did.”
“No,” said Felix. “I was going to say, but I’d like to.”
I wasn’t expecting that. “Have you ever?”
“Once, or twice, at uni,” said Felix. “The first time made me laugh and the second time made me sick and then I was never game to try it again.”
I opened the box and pulled out the accoutrement, as my old mate Gordon liked to call it. “It made me sick at the beginning, too…”
“But, I always wanted to try it again so, hopefully, I could experience that first time again. That was fun.”
I put the mull bowl and the grinder on the table in front of me. “Well, you can,” I said. “I’m pretty sure, you just have to have less…”
“Less?”
I threw a bud in the grinder. “You know like, lots of small meals during the day instead of one huge dinner at the table.” I licked the cigarette length ways.
“Huh?” said Felix.
The cigarette fell apart and I dropped the tobacco in the grinder too. “Have less to start with, and you can always have more,” I said. “Once it makes you sick, you can’t then have less.” I think I was nervous with smoking pot in front of Felix that I was rambling a bit.
I ground the mix.
“Yes,” said Felix. “Of course.”
I was really hoping he’d say he was an experienced smoker and the two of us could just sit quietly and partake with ease, no need for instructions, or me to take responsibility for him. Still, as they say, it was what it was.
I rolled the roach and put it in the rolling machine.
“Can’t you roll by hand?” asked Felix.
I added the cigarette marijuana mix to the rolling machine. “No, no matter how I tried, to my eternal shame, I have never been able to roll by hand.”
“Really?”
I pulled the cigarette paper from its red packet. “It’s why I could never enter the joint rolling championships.” I licked the cigarette paper and slid it into the rolling machine.
“There are joint rolling championships?”
I clicked the rolling machine closed and the perfectly rolled joint popped out onto the table. I picked the joint up and held it in the air. “Of course not.” I laughed.
Felix looked momentarily confused. Then he smiled.
I put the joint into my mouth. “Where do you think they would hold the championships?” I lit the joint.
Felix shrugged. “Canberra,” he said. “Isn’t that where it is legal?”
I puffed on the joint, then passed it to Felix.
“Isn’t this early to be having…” He took the joint.
“Too early for?”
Felix sucked on the joint and immediately blew the smoke out. “Smoking drugs?” He handed the joint back to me.
“Drugs?” I said questioningly. I took three quick drags. “This is a herb. This isn’t drugs.”
“I see.” He smiled.
I handed him the joint. “Take a drag, then open your mouth and suck in…”
He drew in, opened his mouth and breathed in. He coughed. “I was hoping you’d say that to me…” he coughed some more. “last night…” He smiled broadly.
I took the joint back, dragged on it, and blew out the smoke. “If you don’t cough...”
“What?” He looked at me with watering eyes and coughed some more.
I handed him back the joint. He raised his hand as if to say no. “Have some more,” I said.
“Pushing it much.”
“Take three drags,” I said. “Then give it back to me.”
He took a drag, then coughed. His eyes glistened. I thought they looked sexy. I know, stop it!
“Relax your throat, don’t fight it,” I said.
“Easy for you.” He took a drag, his sweet lips parted and he inhaled, and only coughed once.
“One more, just let it slide down, no resistance.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.”
He took another drag, he didn’t cough. He smiled and handed the joint back to me.
“That’s my boy.”
“My boy, huh?”
“Well done, is what I’m trying to say…”
“I think I like my boy better.”
“Do you just?”
“Are you going to smoke all of that?”
“I see.” I dragged again and then handed it back to him. “Just have a couple of puffs…”
“Do you always give orders?”
“Advice,” I said. “I don’t want to be handing you cold flannels while you are hung over the toilet.”
“Do you like giving orders?”
“Not really.”
“At work and at home.”
“No, no I don’t.”
“That’s not what I’m getting.” He laughed. His eyes were red.
“You get good action.”
“Woo!” He sipped his coffee. Then he sat back and closed his eyes. “Ah.”
“You probably shouldn’t close your eyes.”
“More of those orders.”
“No, seriously, closing your eyes could give you the spins.”
“Okay.” He opened his eyes again. “You’re the boss.” He laughed. “I love that you are my boss.” He laughed some more. “This feels like the first time. Woo hoo.”
“See, it’s good.”
“I love working with you, you know,” said Felix. “You’re so relaxed and patient and you don’t get upset with my mistakes.”
“What would be the point of that?”
“It means I’m not scared to give stuff a crack.”
“Is that what happened with Christian?”
“Oh, he is so serious and he seems to almost take it personally when I get stuff wrong, so I am so nervous that I get more stuff wrong.”
“Well, you have to learn to work with all personality types, that is half the job requirement,” I said. “If you can’t learn how to work with someone like Christian Collins it is you who would ultimately be let go, not Christian. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah.”
“You’ll get pay rises and promotions because you could work with Christian, and because of the quality of your work.”
“I know, I know,” said Felix. “It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy working with you.”
“No, it doesn’t.” Quietly, I was, what is that expression Amanda uses, chuffed with him enjoying working with me.
I got the mull bowl and started rolling a second joint.
“I’m going to have to choose my people in future, I guess?” said Felix.
“How so?”
“You know, who is going to respect me.”
“You’ll get respect from your good work…”
“And not who I sleep with?”
“You have to tell them you are gay, first,” I said. “I haven’t heard you say you are gay, yet?”
“I… haven’t… really told anyone, yet.”
“Do you mean anybody at all?”
“Y… y… yes,” he said. “No, I haven’t.”
“Anyone?”
“No, not, no, not really. Nobody.”
“Your mum and dad?”
“No.”
“Brothers and sisters.”
“Ah, no,” said Felix. “My parents are devout Christians and I live with a priest. Who am I going to tell?”
“Friends?”
“No.”
“Not even at uni.”
“Ah, no,” said Felix. “I was too busy studying, uni was hard work.”
“Say it?”
“What?”
“Say it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Tell me you are gay.”
“What?”
“Tell me you are gay.”
Felix looked frightened.
I shut the rolling machine and a perfect joint popped out. I put the joint in my mouth and lit it.
“Josh, I’m gay. I think I have always been gay…”
“Do you mean you were born that way?”
“Yes, I think I was,” said Felix. “For as long as I can remember I have liked boys.” He shrugged. “And I have never been interested in girls.” He gave me a resigned look. “No in that way, anyway.”
I handed him the joint. “Am I the first person you have told you are gay?”
Felix puffed on the joint. He opened his mouth and sucked in air, making a show of it for me. “Well, yes, yes you are.”
“It wasn’t that hard, now was it?”
He laughed. “But I have already slept with you.”
“No, you haven’t,” I said. “Not yet, not for real.”
Felix blushed. His bloodshot eyes were a little wonky.
“Have you even had gay sex?” I asked.
“Yes, of course. Some. Not much. I should have had more.”
“You’ve got lots of time…”
“I wish I’d had more gay sex.”
“You will, you are a handsome boy,” I said. “But, it is a modern world now and you need to be brave and tell people you are gay.”
“I know.”
“People really won’t care, its 2020…”
“But I want them to care.”
“They will care about you because you are a great guy, not because you are gay. I promise.”
I pulled on a pair of Ben’s track pants and one of his t-shirts, holding it to my face to sniff ‘Ben in’ as I always do, before I slipped it on and headed out to the kitchen.
Butch was asleep in his bed, he got straight up and wriggled towards me. “Hey Butch buddy.”
He leapt about in his morning hello. Uninhibited joy, essentially, in being alive. I scratched his ears. I scratched his chin. I scratched his butt.
I stood on the tiled floor in the kitchen with bare feet as the coffee machine whirred.
I stood at the back door and gazed out at the day, sipping my coffee, as I breathed in the fresh morning air. Butch sat next to me like Yoda and stared out at the day too.
It was a lovely morning.
I thought about last night. Young gay guys taking baby gay steps in the big, wide world. I thought back to when I did. It was hard. It seemed insurmountable before I told the world, and then when I had it seemed easy. But what was the time frame of that? We forget about all the in between connecting bits, we only remember the main story points in the end.
I told Daniel. Well, I had sex with his best friend Carl’s younger brother, Cam. It was a drunken teenage party and Carl caught me with Cam in a bean bag downstairs at their place. Carl wanted to beat me up and Daniel came to my rescue telling Carl not to touch me.
“He’s touching my fucking brother.”
“Your fucking brother seems to fucking like it,” Daniel screamed as he held each of Carl’s fists in each of his hands.
I told Amanda. Well, not so much told her as she walked in on me sucking Cam’s huge cock the following weekend when everyone was supposed to be out, down the beach house, some where other that, as it turned out, where they were.
“Josh. Cam. Oh, what are you doing? Oh No.” Amanda backed out of my room.
“Do you, um, like boys?” asked Amanda later. “Or do you just like Cam?”
“Boys,” I said.
“Well, you had better tell your father.”
I told dad. I sat him down and told him in his study. I was really nervous. He hugged me and said
“As long as it makes you happy.” Then he hugged me and said, “It is good to know who you are, don’t ever stop your journey of self discovery.”
Then I was telling people I was gay all the time wondering which one of them was going to reject me, and none of them did, well, certainly not to my face. Pretty soon I was telling people I was gay like I told them my name, or where I lived, or that I liked the colour black.
It seemed like a different life now. A different Josh.
I was contemplating a joint when I heard a noise behind me and there was Felix standing there in his jocks with his hands clasped in front of his groin, kind of bouncing on the balls of his feet. I wasn’t sure if he was cold, or shy? What do they say, nipples like strawberries? Too cliched? Gym worked pecks. Narrow waist. Thick thighs, covered in hair.
Butch jumped to his feet and was straight over to Felix. Butch jumped about.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” said Felix. “Hi Butch.” Felix danced around a bit with Butch and I got to see his gorgeous arse just in his jocks for the first time.
“How are you?”
“Good.” Butch jumped up again. Felix patted him.
“Hang on and I’ll get you something to wear.”
“That would be great,” said Felix. “I only have my suit.”
“No, that won’t work.” I left him with Butch making a fuss over him.
I got him a pair of Ben’s track pants and a t-shirt. “They are Ben’s,” I said. “I hope they fit. They might be a bit long.”
“They’ll be fine,” said Felix. “So, this is Ben’s place?”
“Yes.”
He pulled on the track pants. They bunched up at his feet.
“Do you want some coffee?”
He pulled on the t-shirt. “Yeah, thanks.”
I put a cup under the machine.
Butch lay out on the floorboards with an exhale.
“How do you feel?”
“I woke quite early with very little memory of… last… night,” he said. “Momentarily, after I woke I really wondered where I was.”
I poured milk into the milk frother.
“I did wonder, you seemed to get really drunk on that wine.”
I pushed the button on the frother.
“I don’t really drink normally?”
The coffee machine whirred.
“It was Ben’s blonde hair that I recognised first, and then it was you and then it all came back to me. I hope I wasn’t too much of a pain?”
I moved the two cups to the kitchen bench. “No, not at all.”
“I looked under the covers to see I still had my jocks on.”
“We’re not complete savages,” I said. “What did you think happened?”
“Well, I didn’t know.” His hands raised up in front of him like they were questioning what happened.
The milk finished frothing.
“Then I checked that Ben and you had your jocks on,” he smiled his cheeky smile. “Well, you weren’t naked…”
“We weren’t?”
He raised his eyebrows and smiled broadly.
I think I may have blushed. “The spare bed is piled up with shit…”
“I felt safe, or more to the point, er, um, in the place where I felt like,” he smiled nervously, “I was meant to be.” His eyes welled up. “It made me feel really contented.” He smiled.
I smiled. “It was warm I’m guessing, being in the middle...”
“I want to sleep between you guys always,” said Felix.
I laughed a contented laugh.
I poured the frothy milk into the cups. I pushed Felix’s towards him.
“Thanks,” he said. He took a sip. “Good coffee.”
“You feeling okay now?”
“Yes, sure.”
“You don’t want any head ache pills?”
“No.”
“Just say if you want something.”
“I will.”
I looked at the back door, then I looked back at Felix.
Speaking of wanting something. “Um.” Fuck it, I thought. “I was just about to…” suddenly, I wondered if I was taking too much of a risk, but I had already started saying it. “… um…”
“What?” asked Felix.
I smiled, I could feel my cheeks crease. “Let’s go sit outside.”
“Oh… okay… if you think…”
We both picked up our coffee. I grabbed the brown box from the sideboard and then slid the folding doors open and we both headed outside. Luckily, it was quite a nice morning, the sun was at least attempting to shine.
“Nice garden,” said Felix.
“Yes, it is one of Ben’s unspoken passions. He loves foliage.”
“I can see.”
We both put our coffees down on the out door table at the same time. Clunk. Clunk.
Butch trotted outside behind us, and lay down with a harrumph on the ground next to us.
We sat down. The sun shone over the roof of the house on to us. Crisp, fresh, morning sun.
“Do you smoke?”
“No,” said Felix. “I didn’t know you did.”
“A joint?”
“Oh,” said Felix. “No…”
“But you didn’t know I did.”
“No,” said Felix. “I was going to say, but I’d like to.”
I wasn’t expecting that. “Have you ever?”
“Once, or twice, at uni,” said Felix. “The first time made me laugh and the second time made me sick and then I was never game to try it again.”
I opened the box and pulled out the accoutrement, as my old mate Gordon liked to call it. “It made me sick at the beginning, too…”
“But, I always wanted to try it again so, hopefully, I could experience that first time again. That was fun.”
I put the mull bowl and the grinder on the table in front of me. “Well, you can,” I said. “I’m pretty sure, you just have to have less…”
“Less?”
I threw a bud in the grinder. “You know like, lots of small meals during the day instead of one huge dinner at the table.” I licked the cigarette length ways.
“Huh?” said Felix.
The cigarette fell apart and I dropped the tobacco in the grinder too. “Have less to start with, and you can always have more,” I said. “Once it makes you sick, you can’t then have less.” I think I was nervous with smoking pot in front of Felix that I was rambling a bit.
I ground the mix.
“Yes,” said Felix. “Of course.”
I was really hoping he’d say he was an experienced smoker and the two of us could just sit quietly and partake with ease, no need for instructions, or me to take responsibility for him. Still, as they say, it was what it was.
I rolled the roach and put it in the rolling machine.
“Can’t you roll by hand?” asked Felix.
I added the cigarette marijuana mix to the rolling machine. “No, no matter how I tried, to my eternal shame, I have never been able to roll by hand.”
“Really?”
I pulled the cigarette paper from its red packet. “It’s why I could never enter the joint rolling championships.” I licked the cigarette paper and slid it into the rolling machine.
“There are joint rolling championships?”
I clicked the rolling machine closed and the perfectly rolled joint popped out onto the table. I picked the joint up and held it in the air. “Of course not.” I laughed.
Felix looked momentarily confused. Then he smiled.
I put the joint into my mouth. “Where do you think they would hold the championships?” I lit the joint.
Felix shrugged. “Canberra,” he said. “Isn’t that where it is legal?”
I puffed on the joint, then passed it to Felix.
“Isn’t this early to be having…” He took the joint.
“Too early for?”
Felix sucked on the joint and immediately blew the smoke out. “Smoking drugs?” He handed the joint back to me.
“Drugs?” I said questioningly. I took three quick drags. “This is a herb. This isn’t drugs.”
“I see.” He smiled.
I handed him the joint. “Take a drag, then open your mouth and suck in…”
He drew in, opened his mouth and breathed in. He coughed. “I was hoping you’d say that to me…” he coughed some more. “last night…” He smiled broadly.
I took the joint back, dragged on it, and blew out the smoke. “If you don’t cough...”
“What?” He looked at me with watering eyes and coughed some more.
I handed him back the joint. He raised his hand as if to say no. “Have some more,” I said.
“Pushing it much.”
“Take three drags,” I said. “Then give it back to me.”
He took a drag, then coughed. His eyes glistened. I thought they looked sexy. I know, stop it!
“Relax your throat, don’t fight it,” I said.
“Easy for you.” He took a drag, his sweet lips parted and he inhaled, and only coughed once.
“One more, just let it slide down, no resistance.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes.”
He took another drag, he didn’t cough. He smiled and handed the joint back to me.
“That’s my boy.”
“My boy, huh?”
“Well done, is what I’m trying to say…”
“I think I like my boy better.”
“Do you just?”
“Are you going to smoke all of that?”
“I see.” I dragged again and then handed it back to him. “Just have a couple of puffs…”
“Do you always give orders?”
“Advice,” I said. “I don’t want to be handing you cold flannels while you are hung over the toilet.”
“Do you like giving orders?”
“Not really.”
“At work and at home.”
“No, no I don’t.”
“That’s not what I’m getting.” He laughed. His eyes were red.
“You get good action.”
“Woo!” He sipped his coffee. Then he sat back and closed his eyes. “Ah.”
“You probably shouldn’t close your eyes.”
“More of those orders.”
“No, seriously, closing your eyes could give you the spins.”
“Okay.” He opened his eyes again. “You’re the boss.” He laughed. “I love that you are my boss.” He laughed some more. “This feels like the first time. Woo hoo.”
“See, it’s good.”
“I love working with you, you know,” said Felix. “You’re so relaxed and patient and you don’t get upset with my mistakes.”
“What would be the point of that?”
“It means I’m not scared to give stuff a crack.”
“Is that what happened with Christian?”
“Oh, he is so serious and he seems to almost take it personally when I get stuff wrong, so I am so nervous that I get more stuff wrong.”
“Well, you have to learn to work with all personality types, that is half the job requirement,” I said. “If you can’t learn how to work with someone like Christian Collins it is you who would ultimately be let go, not Christian. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah.”
“You’ll get pay rises and promotions because you could work with Christian, and because of the quality of your work.”
“I know, I know,” said Felix. “It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy working with you.”
“No, it doesn’t.” Quietly, I was, what is that expression Amanda uses, chuffed with him enjoying working with me.
I got the mull bowl and started rolling a second joint.
“I’m going to have to choose my people in future, I guess?” said Felix.
“How so?”
“You know, who is going to respect me.”
“You’ll get respect from your good work…”
“And not who I sleep with?”
“You have to tell them you are gay, first,” I said. “I haven’t heard you say you are gay, yet?”
“I… haven’t… really told anyone, yet.”
“Do you mean anybody at all?”
“Y… y… yes,” he said. “No, I haven’t.”
“Anyone?”
“No, not, no, not really. Nobody.”
“Your mum and dad?”
“No.”
“Brothers and sisters.”
“Ah, no,” said Felix. “My parents are devout Christians and I live with a priest. Who am I going to tell?”
“Friends?”
“No.”
“Not even at uni.”
“Ah, no,” said Felix. “I was too busy studying, uni was hard work.”
“Say it?”
“What?”
“Say it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Tell me you are gay.”
“What?”
“Tell me you are gay.”
Felix looked frightened.
I shut the rolling machine and a perfect joint popped out. I put the joint in my mouth and lit it.
“Josh, I’m gay. I think I have always been gay…”
“Do you mean you were born that way?”
“Yes, I think I was,” said Felix. “For as long as I can remember I have liked boys.” He shrugged. “And I have never been interested in girls.” He gave me a resigned look. “No in that way, anyway.”
I handed him the joint. “Am I the first person you have told you are gay?”
Felix puffed on the joint. He opened his mouth and sucked in air, making a show of it for me. “Well, yes, yes you are.”
“It wasn’t that hard, now was it?”
He laughed. “But I have already slept with you.”
“No, you haven’t,” I said. “Not yet, not for real.”
Felix blushed. His bloodshot eyes were a little wonky.
“Have you even had gay sex?” I asked.
“Yes, of course. Some. Not much. I should have had more.”
“You’ve got lots of time…”
“I wish I’d had more gay sex.”
“You will, you are a handsome boy,” I said. “But, it is a modern world now and you need to be brave and tell people you are gay.”
“I know.”
“People really won’t care, its 2020…”
“But I want them to care.”
“They will care about you because you are a great guy, not because you are gay. I promise.”
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