What Wedding?
Amanda was at my door early.
“Oh,” I croaked. “Good morning.” I sounded like Bea Arthur.
“Good morning, darling,” said Amanda. “I was in the neighbourhood.”
“In the neighbourhood?”
I turned and walked back down the hallway.
“How are you?”
“Yes, well thanks,” I said. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes.”
“Don’t you boys own any clothes?
I turned to face her in the lounge room. I had on a black hoodie and black jocks. “I thought you were a delivery guy…”
“You’d answer the door to the delivery guy in your undies?’
“Some of them are good sorts.”
“Oh darling,” said Amanda. “I’m afraid that you are only half joking.”
“You’d be surprised…”
I left her in the lounge room and headed up the hallway.
“I’m sure I would.”
I went to my room to get track pants.
“So, darling,” said Amanda. “You have anything you want to tell me?”
My black track pants were on the floor.
“The whole idea that your mother knows best is just a myth…”
I pulled them on.
“Oh darling, be serious.”
I came back down the hallway towards Amanda. “Do you want tea?”
“Yes, of course, don’t you have the kettle on yet? I’ve got to get to golf.”
“Coming right up, your ladyship.”
Amanda had a wicker basket over one arm. “I bought pastries for us to have with our tea.”
“Seriously? Pastries?” Amanda is good, but not that good. Pastries are a dead give away that she is on a recognisance mission? Now what could she be after?
“I thought it would be nice.”
“I thought you said you were going to golf?” Pastries indicate that she is in no hurry.
“I am, I’m meeting Karen and Donna at the club house.”
“What time?”
“What time?” repeated Amanda as if the question was foreign to her.
“It is a simple question?”
“Oh darling,” said Amanda. “Soon.”
“How soon is soon?”
“You are full of questions this morning, now aren’t you, honey.” Amanda was almost slipping into gritted teeth, another red flag.
I put the kettle on.
Amanda sat on the other side of the kitchen bench, putting her oversized wicker basket on the other chair, from which she produced a large brown paper bag.
I grabbed the paper bag and slid the white carboard tray of pastries out and on to the bench. “Is Karen and Donna joining us before golf?”
“Don’t be silly.”
So, I decided to quietly make the tea, if Amanda was after information she’d soon give herself away.
“So darling, any news?”
What did she say when she first walked in? Did I have anything to tell her? “No, no news.” She thinks I have something to tell her? “Any news with you?” I got the cups and put tea bags in them.
“Your father has high blood pressure…”
“Oh,” I said. “I wonder who is giving him that?”
“He’s going to a new specialist.”
“Really.”
The kettle boiled and I filled up the cups.
“I never hear from your brother,” said Amanda. “But that’s not new.”
Queue Daniel walking out into the kitchen bleary-eyed in his undies with his hand down the front of his jocks scratching.
“Mum?” Daniel’s voice croaked. He pulled his hand out of his jocks.
“Speak of the devil.”
“Isn’t this very early?” said Daniel. He pushed the button on the coffee machine and it whirred into action.
I poured the water into the tea cups. I wanted to change mine to coffee now that Daniel was making coffee, but I didn’t. Waste not, want not was one of Amanda’s principle sayings when we were growing up.
“I see you’re not getting up any earlier,” said Amanda.
“I see you are not getting here any later,” said Daniel. “It’s my day off.” He put a cup under the spout of the coffee machine and pushed a button that made it make whirring sounds again. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, just lovely,” said Amanda. “A mother can’t come and visit her two sons without being questioned about her motives…”
“What are your motives,” both Daniel and I said in unison?
“I have no motive,” said Amanda. “Other than a mother’s love for her two boys.”
“Its…” Daniel looks at his wrist to see the time, but he didn’t have his watch on. “Whatever time it is and you are here with fancy pastries, I smell a rat, Amanda,” said Daniel.
“You boys are exhausting.”
I got the milk from the fridge. “What time did you say you were playing golf,” I asked.
“I didn’t,” said Amanda. She picked up a curly pastry and nibbled at the edges.
I poured a small amount of milk into the tea. Don’t drown it, don’t drown it, word the words Amanda used to teach me to make tea when I was a boy. Of course, that was because she’d be out in the garden sneaking a cigarette so dad wouldn’t know.
Daniel picked up two pastries in one hand and with his coffee in his other hand, he headed back up the hallway. “She’s up to something,” said Daniel. “Watch her.”
I looked back at Amanda. “Can’t a mother come over and share in her son’s wedding news for goodness sake.”
“What!” I was taken a back.
“When were you proposing to tell me?”
“Of course, Nick,” I said. “I wish you two would stop meeting for lunch.”
“Brunch, darling, we have brunch together.”
“I don’t care what you want to call it, stop it.”
“So, what are you saying, I can’t have friends?”
“Not my friends,” I protested. “Get friends of your own age.” I could hear my voice, I sounded like a 10 year old.
“I’m beside myself with excitement,” said Amanda. “When is the wedding?”
“There is no wedding.”
“Oh Josh, I want a big wedding... of course.”
“You had yours forty years ago.”
“You know what I mean,” said Amanda. “I’m very excited, I was beginning to think I was never going to walk either of my sons down the aisle.”
“Isn’t that dad’s job?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not getting married?”
“I thought Ben asked you?”
“Damn Nick and his big mouth.”
“So, you are getting married?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Are you planning to not ask your father and I?”
“No…”
“Is it a gay thing…”
“What?” My voice squeaked.
“Are you going to do something your father and I wouldn’t understand?”
“No. We are not.”
“Although, what that could be the mind boggles, quite frankly.”
“No.”
“I’m very disappointed, darling.”
“I’m not getting married?”
“Is it some sort of bondage thing.”
“WHAT?” Even I could hear my incredulous tone. “NO!”
“Master slave?”
“Have you been reading the Sunday Supplement again?”
“Oh darling, I have lived, I’ve seen things.”
“This is the first I have heard of this?” I said. “Rick in a dog collar?”
“I think your father would look very smart in a dog collar,” said Amanda.
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“But no,” said “Amanda. “Can you at least tell me the date?”
“There is no date,” I moaned. Even I could hear the moan in my voice. “Ben asked me to marry him. I said yes because he looked so cute down on his right knee.”
“He’s very good looking, he’d look,” she did parenthesis in the air with her fingers, “very cute in any pose.”
“And you can’t say no, now can you?”
“Isabel Dagmar said no to Jock O’Locklin back when your father and I were courting…”
“But I never meant to go through with it…”
“Jock was so distraught that he took a handful of pills and Dagmar nearly lost him…”
“Because I don’t believe in marriage…”
“So, you must be careful what you say…”
“Gay, or straight…”
“As your words have consequences…”
“So, there you have it.”
“Seen, or unforeseen,” said Amanda. “How has Ben taken it?”
“He doesn’t know…
“He doesn’t know?”
“As yet.”
“Remember Dagmar, when you tell him.”
“Yes, mum, that is exactly what I’ll be thinking when I tell him…”
“Are you telling me the truth?”
“Of course, I am.”
I pushed Amanda’s tea across the bench towards her.
She pushed the white tray of pastries towards me. “Have one,” she said.
“Oh,” I croaked. “Good morning.” I sounded like Bea Arthur.
“Good morning, darling,” said Amanda. “I was in the neighbourhood.”
“In the neighbourhood?”
I turned and walked back down the hallway.
“How are you?”
“Yes, well thanks,” I said. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes.”
“Don’t you boys own any clothes?
I turned to face her in the lounge room. I had on a black hoodie and black jocks. “I thought you were a delivery guy…”
“You’d answer the door to the delivery guy in your undies?’
“Some of them are good sorts.”
“Oh darling,” said Amanda. “I’m afraid that you are only half joking.”
“You’d be surprised…”
I left her in the lounge room and headed up the hallway.
“I’m sure I would.”
I went to my room to get track pants.
“So, darling,” said Amanda. “You have anything you want to tell me?”
My black track pants were on the floor.
“The whole idea that your mother knows best is just a myth…”
I pulled them on.
“Oh darling, be serious.”
I came back down the hallway towards Amanda. “Do you want tea?”
“Yes, of course, don’t you have the kettle on yet? I’ve got to get to golf.”
“Coming right up, your ladyship.”
Amanda had a wicker basket over one arm. “I bought pastries for us to have with our tea.”
“Seriously? Pastries?” Amanda is good, but not that good. Pastries are a dead give away that she is on a recognisance mission? Now what could she be after?
“I thought it would be nice.”
“I thought you said you were going to golf?” Pastries indicate that she is in no hurry.
“I am, I’m meeting Karen and Donna at the club house.”
“What time?”
“What time?” repeated Amanda as if the question was foreign to her.
“It is a simple question?”
“Oh darling,” said Amanda. “Soon.”
“How soon is soon?”
“You are full of questions this morning, now aren’t you, honey.” Amanda was almost slipping into gritted teeth, another red flag.
I put the kettle on.
Amanda sat on the other side of the kitchen bench, putting her oversized wicker basket on the other chair, from which she produced a large brown paper bag.
I grabbed the paper bag and slid the white carboard tray of pastries out and on to the bench. “Is Karen and Donna joining us before golf?”
“Don’t be silly.”
So, I decided to quietly make the tea, if Amanda was after information she’d soon give herself away.
“So darling, any news?”
What did she say when she first walked in? Did I have anything to tell her? “No, no news.” She thinks I have something to tell her? “Any news with you?” I got the cups and put tea bags in them.
“Your father has high blood pressure…”
“Oh,” I said. “I wonder who is giving him that?”
“He’s going to a new specialist.”
“Really.”
The kettle boiled and I filled up the cups.
“I never hear from your brother,” said Amanda. “But that’s not new.”
Queue Daniel walking out into the kitchen bleary-eyed in his undies with his hand down the front of his jocks scratching.
“Mum?” Daniel’s voice croaked. He pulled his hand out of his jocks.
“Speak of the devil.”
“Isn’t this very early?” said Daniel. He pushed the button on the coffee machine and it whirred into action.
I poured the water into the tea cups. I wanted to change mine to coffee now that Daniel was making coffee, but I didn’t. Waste not, want not was one of Amanda’s principle sayings when we were growing up.
“I see you’re not getting up any earlier,” said Amanda.
“I see you are not getting here any later,” said Daniel. “It’s my day off.” He put a cup under the spout of the coffee machine and pushed a button that made it make whirring sounds again. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, just lovely,” said Amanda. “A mother can’t come and visit her two sons without being questioned about her motives…”
“What are your motives,” both Daniel and I said in unison?
“I have no motive,” said Amanda. “Other than a mother’s love for her two boys.”
“Its…” Daniel looks at his wrist to see the time, but he didn’t have his watch on. “Whatever time it is and you are here with fancy pastries, I smell a rat, Amanda,” said Daniel.
“You boys are exhausting.”
I got the milk from the fridge. “What time did you say you were playing golf,” I asked.
“I didn’t,” said Amanda. She picked up a curly pastry and nibbled at the edges.
I poured a small amount of milk into the tea. Don’t drown it, don’t drown it, word the words Amanda used to teach me to make tea when I was a boy. Of course, that was because she’d be out in the garden sneaking a cigarette so dad wouldn’t know.
Daniel picked up two pastries in one hand and with his coffee in his other hand, he headed back up the hallway. “She’s up to something,” said Daniel. “Watch her.”
I looked back at Amanda. “Can’t a mother come over and share in her son’s wedding news for goodness sake.”
“What!” I was taken a back.
“When were you proposing to tell me?”
“Of course, Nick,” I said. “I wish you two would stop meeting for lunch.”
“Brunch, darling, we have brunch together.”
“I don’t care what you want to call it, stop it.”
“So, what are you saying, I can’t have friends?”
“Not my friends,” I protested. “Get friends of your own age.” I could hear my voice, I sounded like a 10 year old.
“I’m beside myself with excitement,” said Amanda. “When is the wedding?”
“There is no wedding.”
“Oh Josh, I want a big wedding... of course.”
“You had yours forty years ago.”
“You know what I mean,” said Amanda. “I’m very excited, I was beginning to think I was never going to walk either of my sons down the aisle.”
“Isn’t that dad’s job?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m not getting married?”
“I thought Ben asked you?”
“Damn Nick and his big mouth.”
“So, you are getting married?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Are you planning to not ask your father and I?”
“No…”
“Is it a gay thing…”
“What?” My voice squeaked.
“Are you going to do something your father and I wouldn’t understand?”
“No. We are not.”
“Although, what that could be the mind boggles, quite frankly.”
“No.”
“I’m very disappointed, darling.”
“I’m not getting married?”
“Is it some sort of bondage thing.”
“WHAT?” Even I could hear my incredulous tone. “NO!”
“Master slave?”
“Have you been reading the Sunday Supplement again?”
“Oh darling, I have lived, I’ve seen things.”
“This is the first I have heard of this?” I said. “Rick in a dog collar?”
“I think your father would look very smart in a dog collar,” said Amanda.
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“But no,” said “Amanda. “Can you at least tell me the date?”
“There is no date,” I moaned. Even I could hear the moan in my voice. “Ben asked me to marry him. I said yes because he looked so cute down on his right knee.”
“He’s very good looking, he’d look,” she did parenthesis in the air with her fingers, “very cute in any pose.”
“And you can’t say no, now can you?”
“Isabel Dagmar said no to Jock O’Locklin back when your father and I were courting…”
“But I never meant to go through with it…”
“Jock was so distraught that he took a handful of pills and Dagmar nearly lost him…”
“Because I don’t believe in marriage…”
“So, you must be careful what you say…”
“Gay, or straight…”
“As your words have consequences…”
“So, there you have it.”
“Seen, or unforeseen,” said Amanda. “How has Ben taken it?”
“He doesn’t know…
“He doesn’t know?”
“As yet.”
“Remember Dagmar, when you tell him.”
“Yes, mum, that is exactly what I’ll be thinking when I tell him…”
“Are you telling me the truth?”
“Of course, I am.”
I pushed Amanda’s tea across the bench towards her.
She pushed the white tray of pastries towards me. “Have one,” she said.
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