Coda Josh Grant

I hadn't seen Steve all week, when he arrived at my door with a big smile and a bottle of red. My heart skipped a beat, as I saw his smiling face looking back at me. Hello Gorgeous, said the voice in my head. Then, I immediately felt bad for not calling him, not that I had to feel bad, but I just did, you know, for lost opportunities... “Hi,” I said. “I bought wine... I was wondering if you had skipped town.” I took him in my arms and hugged him tight. “Sorry.” He smelt good, kind of fresh and clean with his own scent imbued into mountain air. He felt good in my arms, I squeezed him tight. He pulled away. “I thought I might come over and get you drunk.” He walked past me into the house. “Drunk? Okay.” “And check on you.” “You can check any time you want. Check anything.” “Ha, ha.” “Hey look, I’m sorry, the week just seemed to get away from me.” Truth was, I had spent most of it stoned and I wasn’t wanting to make that admission, you know, all things considered. “Your busy schedule,...

George hates winter clothes, he tells me. Actually, it is something I already knew. George likes nothing better than shorts and a singlet, possibly because he spends so much time in the gym. It is also true that he likes something less than shorts and a singlet.

I went recently with Mike to a meeting of the socialist collective. Don't ask. It's what you do for a mate. Mike has very specific views when it comes to world policy, despite being a lawyer now. And they reflect my views to, for the most part. Equality, without it, ultimately, we won’t survive as a race of people. We were at a table with an incredible bigot and homophobe, who looked like a clean cut young Liberal, one of those fresh-faced Mormons who come out in twos. Let's call him John, because his name was John. He banged on and, amongst other rants, started on about how it was only as a result of the lefty academics that homosexuality was taken of the mental afflictions list. I listened with fascination, I'm sure my mouth was hanging open. Mike nudged me a couple of times as if to say don't get involved he is just a moron. But when he said, "Homosexuality is positively correlated with the mental disorder paedophilia, and all fags are prone to molesting chi...

I met Pippa in the street. I was heading off to the milk bar to get cigarettes and OJ, early. It's nice to be up and enjoying the morning air. There is a certain smugness to be wandering around to the shop in my track suit pants as everyone else is running for the tram. "I just want to say thanks." I shook my head. "What for?" "Tommy, he's a changed boy." She shrugged. "He's calmed down, he's not stomping around the house any more. He's... he's... his old self. New self. I don't know which self, but it's good." What was I supposed to say? Jesus, I only had to blow him once? "That's good... to hear." I smiled, it felt kind of fake, as my cheeks pulled back. “Good for Tommy.” She smiled. What were we going to say next? "So..." Pippa said. She smiled again. I raised my eyebrows. What was she going to ask? She smiled warmly. "I just wanted to thank you for taking an interest in him." ...

Everything will end, everything we now know will one day cease to exist. Everything has its time, and that is not forever. Nothing, with no exceptions, nothing lasts forever. Fffffffffft. The memories of us, you and me, which seem so strong, when we are long gone, will slowly drift off into the distance, until they become so small and so unrecognisable, and then, blip. Not a trace. It makes you wonder why? It makes some of us cry. At that thought, I touched the chair, and my cat, Milo, the skin on my face, took a look at this place, sniffed at the air just to remember the scent, like I could hold it, as it slowly slips from my grasp, even now. Seconds are lost, microseconds. Flakes of skin. Eye movement. Breath. All of this, one day. The future.

We like playing pool in the dingy pool room in Richmond. Steve and Nick and I. It has an atmosphere all of its own. If you haven't worked out by now, my very favourite thing is 'tacky.' I don't know where it comes from, but it is definitely true. I love 'tacky', I actually revel in it, it is where I most feel at home. I don't know why, but I have never really questioned it. You know, anything that is a bit off normal, a little taboo even, it is where I live.

Steve and I took Tommy to a gay bar last night. His first. He was really keen, excited even. As we walked down there, his only moment of doubt was a few feet from the door. "What if I see someone I know?" "Well, Tom, chances are they'll be gay too." "That's the exciting bit," said Steve. "You may not feel it right about now, but trust me." He kind off clung close to me and Steve, as we headed through the door, but when we got in there his eyes were like boiled lollies out on sticks. "Wow!" He was looking around constantly. "Let's get a drink." He was right behind Steve and I at the bar. Tommy was looking back at the pool tables and the men. Steve and I looked at each other and smiled. It was kind of cool, a gay boy initiation. We could say we were there the first time. I handed him a beer. "So, all these guys are..." "Yep," I said. "Gay," said Steve. "It's alright Tommy, you ...

Steve is worried that I might be developing a bit of a drug problem. The upstanding, ambitious Thai boy, who has to make good in the eyes of his parents, tries to apply those same rules to his laid back Aussie boyfriend, namely me, who's just decided to opt out. "How much, um..." He brushed my hair with his hand. "Pot are you smoking?" "Is this the substitute question for you had a good job why did you chuck it?" "No... I'm worried about your health." "Sure." All I could think was how handsome he was. I started to kiss him, to distract him. "Don't. I know your tricks by now." "But you taste so nice." I sucked his lips gently into mine, wet. shiny, smooth. “Carn voo top tht.” I slid my hand down his pants and grabbed him by his softy and squashy cock and balls. "Hey, that's cheating," he protested. He tried to step back and away, but, remember, I had his dick in my hand. "Dope makes me h...

It was a slow start to the day, one of those days where the sky was grey and the weather looked as though it could do anything. I contemplated an open fire, as I set my lap-top up in the lounge room. It would have been the first for the year, meaning summer was definitely over, ah, but cleaning out the fireplace had been on my to-do list for, oh for how long, and it all just seemed too messy in the end. I decided I was going to do some writing, it had been a while. My first three years at uni, were spent in arts, English, English lit and I was good at it. One of my lecturers tried to convince me not to go on and do law, but rather continue with English, history, as she thought I was naturally suited to it. Now, if only I had listened. Anyway, with time being my own, I thought I'd start writing something. I figured it didn't really matter what it was, just get comfy, switch the computer on and start to write. I kind of liked the idea of monologues, you know, a one person p...

Steve stayed the night. Blush. Quietly so nobody can hear, he is my weakness, I have suddenly realised. It's good, and scary all at the same time, you know, letting another human have that much. I find I am suddenly thinking about him. Then at other times my mind goes to him and I am wondering when I am going to see him again. I find I am thinking about the time in between, almost despite myself. It’s wonderful, and disconcerting, all at the same time. No, not really, it’s not disconcerting.

Mike and Mick went out drinking mid week and got really shit-faced. They have always been best mates, they have always hung out together.  Apparently, they got blind drunk, and couldn't stop bitching about Belinda and Rachel. Apparently, they couldn't stop declaring undying love for each other and how the two of them have never let each other down, and how easy the two of them get along. The big blond German and the big Canadian stripped off and fell into bed together at the end of the night, sleeping in each other's arms, declaring that they would never hurt the other one like their girlfriends always do. "Nah, Josh, we just slept, of course we did," said Mick in his efficient German accent. "Did anything else happen?" the big smily Canadian just repeated back to me, and then added nothing more.

I didn't have to do anything today, good thing to, good thing because I felt decidedly plain. Oh, oo, ah, happy fucken Easter. I bet you our boy J felt better on Easter Tuesday than I do now. I fed Steve, official boyfriend what’s more, Easter eggs. I fed him mine, I fed him his, until he had chocolatey lips and a big brown smile. He's a bit of a chocolate fiend, my boy. Nick came over with vegetables, soup and pot. We ate zucchini patties and pea and ham soup, all lubricated with spliffs. I don't care what you say about zucchinis, they are tasteless. (Still, not as bad as eggplant) It's one vegetable I don't get. Nick told me what Kevin did with zucchinis, after which I questioned him about the zucchinis we ate. He laughed. "Panic stations, Panic stations," he said rather cryptically. "What does that mean?" Nick smiled. "How are your boyfriends?" "Boyfriends?" "Big boyfriend and little boyfriend?" "Steve's ...

Steve and I were feeling a little wobbly by Sunday night, by the time the day slipped away and the night returned. Jangly, not exactly back in our own skin. Reality wasn't completely back in focus, the twitches hadn't exactly subsided. Ben left not long after midday. He didn't say much, just the walk of the zombie as he grabbed his things, thanked us and headed for the front door, all in one, seemingly, fluid movement with little eye contact. Steve and I spent the afternoon smoking pot and snorting what was left in the bags. Greedy piggies. It was Steve's idea, he had that look of hunger in his eyes since we'd gotten up. He found the bags, he collected all the crystals together and then crushed the life out of them with the edge of his credit card, until we had two quite substantial lines there in front of us on the coffee table. Our sense of touch was still tingling in our skin. I squeezed Steve's nipple and he spasamed and said he needed air, a change of scene...

We talked and talked and talked. Nick had played DJ, hence every cd I owned seemed to be lying on the carpet. Tony Abbot’s speedos, 2 out of 4 had dirty thoughts about him. I'd suck his cock, if he didn't speak, of course. Catholic priests’ anxiety, how many time bombs were there out there ticking away? How many of their lives had been ruined and how many of them were just after the compensation? Politicians are crap, they've only got their eye on their term, they don't have a hope in hell of solving climate change. Everyone agreed we were probably on borrowed time and the planet was going down. We all knew what they meant by, I can't think about climate change, because if I did I'd never be able to think about anything else. We danced, we played dress ups, we rolled on the floor laughing. Everyone was so earnest, passionate. Feeling was new. The hours flew, slipped by in no time. Nick bailed to a sex on prem venue by 3am, mumbling something about it being now o...

Steve, Nick, Ben and I did meth, you know, for Easter. We put in our money and got points instead of chocolate eggs. A gay boy’s Easter; first the sweetie then we all act like rabbits. Better in the short term, better in the long term, really, just the medium which could give trouble, I guess, not that I’ve ever had any trouble, only mid way through a weekend when you want more and you’re out. I’ve never had cravings for it at other times. We smoked the peace pipe, the four of us, it's been a while. I love watching the crystals burn bright and the smoke start to swirl in the glass chamber. Everyone’s speech accelerated, twitches became more apparent, everyone’s enthusiasm increased dramatically, suddenly we were all talking over one another. It was just the boys, Amy was in Sydney, feminist sex conference, or some such thing. “Just another way of putting my balls in a noose,” said Ben. We all think that Ben is the bottom in his relationship. He opens up when it’s just the guys, wh...