A Charmed Life

People say I have this charmed life. 

Well, Nick does, but he says it in a slightly derisive way. You know, how best mate can sometimes be envious and pleased for you all in the same way?

Beth does, of course, but that’s because her life is tangled up in genius and she so often is trapped in it like a spider in a web.

Amanda does, but that’s because she truly believes that I do because she truly believes I can do anything, because I am her progeny, and she thinks nothing but the sun shining out of me. She thinks the same about Daniel, of course.

Matthew and Tim and Ben do because they all love me. Listen to me, will you?

And all the time I feel like I never really fulfilled my potential. What am I doing with my life, I often ask myself?

People think I have a wonderful thing going on, when all the time I feel a bit like a failure, to tell you the truth. Close to it. Around the edges, perhaps. What does success feel like? I nearly had it, I think, but then got tired of the cunts who are out there in the corporate world.

I have met Steve and Matthew, not so much Ben as Ben was a friend first, and my friends have said it to him/them, Josh has this charmed life. I never know what to say to that, as it seems so far from my reality, so different to how I really feel inside.

Everybody wants to be me. Apparently, according to Nick. "Of course they do, the great Josh Grant."

According to Amanda. “Who wouldn’t want to be you, darling?”

According to Beth. “I can’t imagine wanting to be anyone else, Josho.”

I don't know what any of that means? I don't feel the greatness, they bestow upon me. That just sounds conceited, now doesn’t it?

Funny, I think. Why set the benchmark so low?

Greatness, is surely, something of astounding value to humanity. I just sit out of sight and write dirty stories and masturbate too often. Smoke too much pot. 

“What greatness?” he says in a Jewish accent.

I know, it is how they see their own lives, primarily. It is about them, and not so much about me. I guess, I've done okay for myself, probably better than some of my friends, although I find that hard to believe. I have a house, some investments which generate enough income for me to live modestly doing as I please.

I guess that borders on greatness.