Coda Josh Grant

My doorbell was ringing, I could hear it, I just couldn’t tell where it was. It rang again. Okay, keep your pants on. I was face down on the couch, that much I had worked out. I had a doona over me. I stuck out a limb, oo, it was cold. Bring, bring, bring… I was in my lounge room, that was good. It was a good start, at least I knew I was on safe ground. I sat up. It wasn’t actually as cold as that first limb out of the crypt. Bring, bring, bring… The furniture was everywhere, and I had had a bed fashioned for me. Nice work, well done. Bring, bring, bring… Oh, yes, you. Mick was on the other couch, passed out, otherwise I was alone, I felt that was a distinct advantage at this moment in time. And I had on jocks and a t-shirt. Bring, bring, bring… I staggered up the hallway, and opened the door, before the dreaded Bring, bring, bring… sounded again. “Good morning.” It was Jeff with giant sun flowers. “I had a dream very like this once…” “You look as though you took your last breath 5 hou...

Mick and I smoked joints in the Carlton Gardens under a tree. Mick’s Airedale Gizmo and Chubby lay together on the grass. “So, end of the year, hey?” said Mick. “Yeah.” “Any thoughts?” “Nah.” We sat quietly. We watched the people passing by, from the safe distance of the middle of the lawn area. “So, any resolutions for next year?” asked Mick. He passed me the joint. “Nah.” “None?” “Oh, I think I am going to take my gym work more seriously.” “Do you want a gym buddy,” asked Mick. “Yes, I have just been thinking about that.” “I have a friend who is looking for a guy to workout with,” said Mick. “I reckon he’d suit you.” “Why me?” I handed Mick the joint. “I think you two… I think you two… would…” Mick sucked on the joint. “Look.” He sucked on the joint again. He laughed and spluttered on his exhale. “Look good together.” “Look good together?” I questioned. “Not generally a prerequisite for gym work.” “Oh, it’s just a feeling I have,” said Mick. “Not a prerequisite? Have you been to a fu...

Xmas at mum and dad’s. Amanda played host. She directed the whole day. She never seems to be happier than when she is in charge. There was, of course, a real tree, appropriately decorated. “Your father and I drank wine and decorated the tree, Xmas Eve, like we always do.” “It was a three bottle affair, this year,” said Rick. “Well, it takes a few hours,” said Amanda. “This doesn’t happen in minutes, you understand.” “And half a fruit cake,” said Rick. “Grandma Lilly’s,” said Amanda. “And after all that wine I get my leg over.” “Rick!” exclaimed Amanda. “Oh er,” said Daniel. “Are you still…” “Xmas Eve we do,” said Rick. He did a double thumbs up. “Jesus!” said Daniel. There were, of course, Xmas bonbons and then we all had to wear the crazy hats at Amanda’s insistence. “Oh Daniel, you have to wear the hat, it’s Xmas.” Daniel reluctantly wore the hat. Amanda served prawn cocktails in champagne glasses. “This is pretty old school,” I said. “The wheel has spun,” said Amanda. “I’m told th...

Xmas is with Amanda and Rick and Daniel at Florence Avenue. Amanda did everything. “No, I don’t want any help.” “Do you want us to bring anything?” “No, you don’t have to bring anything.” “Are we doing presents?” “Oh Joshua, bring presents, don’t bring presents, whatever you want.” “Is that a yes, or no?” “It is what it is, Josh,” said Amanda. “It is what it is.” “What is up with you?” “Nothing, Josh. I’m just busy with everything.” “Can you put dad on?” “Yes.” The phone went clunk on the phone table. Then there was silence. And more silence. And even more silence. Scrape. Clunk. “Ullo.” “Dad.” “Number 2 son, what’s up?” “Is mum okay?” “Oh, yes, mate, I think so.” “She seems very snippy…” “Oh, Josh, it is her favourite time of year. She gets to complain with impunity, something about if she didn’t do it nobody would. Always the same story…” “Always the same story.” “And at the end of it, she gets her two sons to share a meal with her. And I don’t think she is ever any happier than at X...

Nick and I caught up for Xmas drinks. “Do you want a beer?” I asked. “Oh, Josh, do you always have to be so… so… pedestrian?” “What?” “It is Xmas, live a little,” said Nick. “Let’s have Pina Coladas…” “Really?” “Grasshoppers?” “Who’s being pedestrian?” “Margaritas?” “Yes, Okay.” Nick clicked his fingers in the air. “Two margaritas’ to table two?” “How do you know this is table two?” “Just get the drinks and quit the back chat.” I headed to the bar. “So how would you sum up the year?” “The year the great Josh Grant lost his mojo.” “What is that supposed to mean?” “We’re both single, aren’t we?” “I guess?” “Well, this is the first Xmas I have known that we are both single.” He slugged down some drink. “Or more to the point, that you are single.” “Whatever,” I said. It was always a competition with Nick. “What has the year meant to you?” “Oh, you know, same shit, different year,” said Nick. We both sipped our margaritas.

Charlie's boyfriend made him get circumcised because he hated foreskins. Charlie didn't want to, he liked his foreskin, but he said he had to be prepared to do anything for love. As soon as Charlie had healed, his boyfriend ran off with a guy from work.

Gavin was voted the boy with the arse to die for when he was at uni. He joked with his mates, no-one has to die to get this. And he'd slap his rump as if it was a fine cut of beef. I think that is, actually, what all his uni friends, actually, voted.

Amy and I have coffee, kind of brunch thing. We meet up when both of us have fallen out of bed. We sit outside in the sunshine and eat eggs and drink a second coffee. We've both had a couple of j's just to make the brunch interesting. She went to a party at a gay mates, Jared's, place. He and his boyfriend, Lincoln, were having a Saturday night drug party, they called it, just-because-we-don’t-do-drugs-anymore. They had a big house, we were to all stay in and play, whatever we liked. Ben didn't go, I think that was deliberate on Amy's part. It was a drug party and her gay mates are more than a bit taken with Ben's newly found bi leanings. Ben has told everyone, in his logical, new discoveries, earnest sort of announcement. As Amy was to find out later, her two gay mates had invited Bryce along to take care of her, so they’d have a shot at Ben. Bryce was worded up, he needed to take Amy away and fuck her. Bryce was still there, he and Amy have always had ...

Adam would much prefer to stay home and entertain himself, if you know what I mean, than go out and make new friends. "Well, it always makes me feel good," said Adam. "The same can't be said for people. I find people can be the biggest disappointment there is. And girlfriends have often been the biggest disappointment of everyone. " "Well, I said. "This never lets me down," said Adam. I leant forward and took hold of it through the soft, white cotton material. "Hey?" said Adam. He jumped and I felt it pull out from my fingertips. "Josh!" Oh, I don't know what I was thinking. I was really stoned, and he was just standing there in front of me with a semi. It was monkey see, monkey do, I am afraid. "Oh? Um? Don't make me think about it then," I slurred. I heard my voice actually slur. How much had I smoked? "It wasn't an invitation," said Adam. I laughed. "It's not funny," said Ada...

James came over and sat on my kitchen bench. "Wasup?" He had on a black t-shirt over his muscular chest, his flat abs and his impossibly narrow waist. Small blue shorts, out of which came his hairy legs. I ran my hand up his leg, felt the hairs against my palm and over his substantial bulge; his balls and his cock pushed against my hand. He doesn't flinch. I massaged his soft balls and soft cock, until he started to stiffen up, started to grow, bulge in those little blue shorts. "I just want it to be easy, no drama," says James. "Hassle free." I've never met anyone as laid back as James. "What have you been doing?" I ask. "Nothing much, a few websites, not a lot." That big lump where his legs join up, that pushes his jeans out so seductively, was in my grip. I slipped my hand under the elastic of the legs of his jocks, over his hairy nuts and sweaty dick. He spread his legs wider. "You got smoke?" James is straight, bu...

Up early, before the sun and the birds when the day is at its most still, when it feels like an uninhabited land. My front gate closes behind me, as my feet fall into rhythm breaking the first silence. 6am. Gym. It is easy when it is a routine. Busy day. I had just got home, when the doorbell sounded. I peak through the spy hole, Uncle Jeff. I’d taken off my pants, I answered the door in my jocks, I don’t know what possessed me. “Uncle Jeff.” “Do you always answer the door this way,” said Jeff. “Or did you know I was coming?” “It’s just something I am trying on,” I said. “I thought you were the Mormons.” “Well, I approve.” “Come in.” He's home. He's been away for twelve months. Pining his broken relationship. Remember, we bought the twin terraces together. He's been travelling overseas, fucking black guys in South America, or something. His place has been rented out for years to Beth. Crazy Beth. "How are you?" he said as he leered over at my legs in my jocks. My...

James and I got together for a photo shoot. I kind of like those abstract kinds of shot of sexy guys, it leaves a lot more to the imagination than, let's say, a straight forward split beaver shot. Don't you think? Here is something you probably didn’t know, it turns James on to have his appendix scar licked.

I went to see Jumbo, he's doing Xmas baking. "WTF?" "Clarified fucken butter, that's what the fuck?" "You are clarifying butter?" I was lost. "With fucken marijuana, you egg head," replied Jumbo. "I'm giving it to my family for Xmas." "I bet not to your grandma?" "Why not grandma? Who the fuck do you think gave me my first joint?"

I got stoned and spent the day online... I took a sickie. Wanking mindlessly staring at the computer screen, sometimes it is good for you. No, it is. Guy's should blow, it stops prostate cancer, keeps you well. I like a cock and a face in the same shot, though, call me old fashioned. I don't get off just staring at a penis. Well. Smile. Not normally. I smoked a mountain of joints. I drank a meal replacement shake. It is the stoner, sex addicts' best friend. I can't dare get hungry when I'm stoned, otherwise I get the munchies something chronic and I start eating all day. And who can't prepare a chocolate milk shake? Hands in the air. It quenches the munchies and you don't have to waste time looking for food. Lunch in five minutes. I drank it as I watched men masturbate. When I was really good and stoned, I turned on my camera and I wanked for all the other guys. First time... other than that time with Daniel. It was okay. Sexy. Hot. Left me feeling swe...

James getting down to business. I reached for my camera and he said, "Is this a photo session, or are we getting it on?" "Both," I said.

I stumbled around the house blind. I had pot for the weekend. That's why I got sex. What can I say, dope makes me horny. It is the best sex drug. Reliable, always hits, guaranteed hard. Pot and coke (that's the registered trade mark kind) at the bar, until you meet your pray. Beer after that, just to look manly. Two, no more. Then I can still function, any more and it's a wipe out. I think of Andrew the Canadian. I think about the weekend and trying my luck again. I see the hot, married guy from over the road, when I'm out looking for mail. I swear, he always looks too long. I swear I'm only going to have a morning, a lunch time and an afternoon joint. I'm positive. I'm onto my fourth by 10.30am, when I stand on my balcony and feel the sun warming my skin. I wonder what the poor people are doing? Standing on balconies in Carlton, I think, with a laugh. What a lovely day. I must get out in it and breath in big, lung bucketfuls. I water the plants...

Lachlan is a good look. His footy mates would be very surprised to know what he gets up to. Actually, it is probably easier to talk about what he doesn't get up to.

I met a pretty Canadian boy. I was out drinking with Nick and Mike, Saturday night. Nick was off after some older guy who had an enormous cock, apparently. “This big!” Nick held his hands out a metre apart. “And I plan to be squatting on that before the night is out.” Mick was chatting up some girl. “She’s got great tits, don’t you think?” “Meh.” The gay boys looked away. Nick wandered off. The Canadian guy and I just happened to end up standing next to each other and got talking. “You come here often?” “Seriously?” I replied. “What?” He feigned his best innocent face. Adorable. “That line.” “Why not? It got you talking, and smiling, didn’t it.” “What’s your name. “I’m Andrew.” “I’m Josh,” I said. “What’s the accent?” “Canadian. Why?” “Oh, American is problematic,” I said “Do you come here often? “Shouldn’t you know?” asked Andrew. “I presume you are a local?” “I am,” I said. “But while there aren’t that many of us here, we’re spread out so it is harder for us to keep track than you, a...